Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Tears of a Wingman- Part 1

"I don't know why he always gets the ladies when it seems like I do all the work."
    Bryan and I were at a party that I had been invited to by friends that I had made in hopes of  meeting a girl for me to date. After seeing Bryan together with the very dame I had my eye on I began to evaluate the dynamics of our relationship with a mutual friend.
"That's the life of a wingman," the friend answered.
"Since when does the wingman get all the girls?" I asked.
      "Since never. The wingman does the work so the main man can get in," she said.
      "Well that doesn't make any sense. Bryan has been my wingman for years and he always gets the girls and I get nothing. Either he is a really bad wingman or..."
       "Or he isn't the wingman at all."
       I sat there in silence for a moment, contemplating the implications of the accusation. Me, a wingman? All these years I thought he was trying to help me, but really he was just using me as a meat head marionette in his narcissistic puppet show of passion. "No!" thought I. "That's not true! That's impossible!" My inner Darth Vader responded, "Search your feelings. You know it to be true." It all began to make sense in my mind. I knew I needed to confront Bryan.

        The lights were dim in the house later that evening. Stumbling through that dark, I could see Bryan preparing for bed. I decided to be direct. "Bryan?" I asked. "For years I thought you were my wingman. But now I'm starting to think, have I really been your wingman all this time?"
        "Uh oh," he said with a grimace, "I knew this day would come."
        "So it's true then?" You convinced me that you were my wingman just so you could use me like a pawn in your game of love?"
        "Yes. The best way to keep a wingman is to convince him that you are his wingman."
        "Alright. Well, at least now I know where I stand." And that was that.

This was part one of a two-part series about wingmen. Tune in sometime in the vague future for the second half. Remember, "A wingman takes one for the team so his buddy can live the dream."

Thursday, November 8, 2012

B&T's Guide to Surviving a Public Restroom

   We as humans may be divided economically, politically, racially, intellectually, or a host of other "ally's" but there are a few key attributes that unite us. One of these common denominators is our need to release the byproducts of our digestive system. All mankind, rich or poor, educated or ignorant, black or white, bond or free must at some time (usually about once a day) harken to the call of mother nature and in the most vulnerable and exposed of positions, excrete the leftovers of his daily intake.
    Now we won't assume the position of John Madden, giving a play-by-play commentary about the Browns at the Superbowl. We will however, bring certain enlightenment to a certain "necessary evil:" that of using a public restroom. These tips are meant to educate those who wish upon themselves a minimal amount of collateral social damage that so often plagues our public restrooms.

Here are our Top Ten Tips of using a public restroom:
"Be a thinker not a stinker." -Ms. Knotts

1) Avoid using a public restroom at all costs. It's better to seek a throne within your own kingdom.

2) If  you know in advance that circumstances will require you to use a public restroom on a certain day, be sure to wear your most inconspicuous pants and shoes. I once made the mistake of wearing bowling shoes and corduroy pants. Big mistake! Trust me, you do not want to stand out when you are sitting down. Heaven forbid anyone take notice of your cool shoes and then remember them later when they see you passing in the halls.

3) Find a restroom as far from human traffic as possible. I'm sure Robert Frost would agree that taking the bath[room] less trodden by truly makes all the difference in this case. Besides having minimal chance of human interaction (which is the most desirable goal when using a public restroom) low-key lavatories also tend to be cleaner.

4) Remember that you never want to be caught standing still in a bathroom. If you walk in and see all the toilets in use, act like you only wanted to wash your hands. Then scrub those mitts as fast as you can and skedaddle! Remember the motto, "No John? Be gone!"

5) Don't talk to anyone. Ever. I don't care if you see your best friend or Denzel Washington. Don't you dare start a conversation, especially while they or you are in the act of self-relief. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY wants any business while they are doing their business. Few other social atrocities are more heinous than striking up a conversation in the bathroom.

6) Be wise when choosing where to sit. The same concern that goes into buying a home should be apparent in the stall selection process. What will the environment be like? Who will your neighbors be? Is it safe? Is there a lot of traffic? Will you have your privacy? What special features might it include? (i.e. motion sensor in place of the button or lever, air freshener, seat covers, two way paper dispensers etc.)

7) ALWAYS check to make sure there is toilet paper BEFORE you sit. This principle cannot be stressed enough. No ghastly vision of hell and its fiery demons could strike as much panic into the human heart as finding oneself in a public toilet with no paper. I've heard stories... terrible terrible stories...

8) If they are provided, always use the handy seat covers. If your stall of choice does not provide covers, there is nothing wrong with building a nest of toilet paper. You gotta do what you gotta do when you do what you do. (a doodoo joke? What am I, six years old?)

9) Avoid making physical contact with anything. Call me a germaphobe; I don't care. I empathize with Jerry Seinfeld who once tossed out a belt just because it touched the side of the urinal. In a public restroom the paper is free (which might be why you are there in the first place) so use it up. In lieu of an automatic flushing loo, use your foot on the lever. Don't touch that thing. You know people are touching it with their hands and you know where their hands have been.

10) Listen and be conscious of activity in the rest of the bathroom. You want to be able to time your exit when there are as few people present as possible, or ideally when the room is vacant. Listen for audible cues like faucets, hand dryers, flushing, the rummaging sounds of others groping for paper, and the main door opening or closing. If there is someone in the stall next to you do not, I repeat, DO NOT leave at the same time. Don't feel above playing the waiting game. Just don't wait too long. After all, someone might have noticed you go in the bathroom and when you leave they could think, "Man, he sure was in there a long time." 

We hope these tips have been helpful. The subject may seem taboo, but the more information you are privy to, the more successful you'll be in life and in the privy too. (I totally didn't even plan for that to rhyme)

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Free Lunch and the Mary Kay Cult

Every college student should know the art of getting free lunch (don't tell me there's no such thing). If you've never sat through a Pest Control recruiting meeting just for the free pizza, you aren't being resourceful enough.

Does it seem low and cheap? Perhaps. But Pest Control and Student Support meetings are nothing compared to the low level that I stooped to last week. In this tell-all article I will explain how my search for sustenance led me to one of the most bizarre cults of our time: Mary Kay.

It all started when I was approached by a friend who was recently initiated into the Pink Persuasion. She offered me pizza to  listen to the Mary Kay Business Plan (their equivalent of the 1st Discussion). Being the sucker for free food that I am, I agreed, never imagining what I would witness there.
 Different sects give different names to their meetings. Some have revivals, others have masses, Mary Kay has parties. While men are technically allowed at these parties, they are obviously intended for women. It's kind of like feminine freemasonry. Freemarys? Not-so-free-marys? During the hour long ordeal I became acquainted with some of Mary Kay's secret rituals that may or may not go down in a giant pink pyramid like this one: (on that note, I think that all pyramid schemes should have a real pyramid as their headquarters)

In this segment I would like to outline some of the basic beliefs and practices of the Mary Kay Cult.

MK Cult History
Mary Kay started her cute little cult in the 60's when cultish groups were more popular than the Beatles. But while other cults like the Charles Manson Family and Jonestown ended in disaster, The Cosmetic Cult experienced amazing success and continues to do so to this day.

MK Cult Beliefs and Practices
From what I gathered in my brief brush with beauty is that Mary K-ites have the following beliefs and rituals:
  • Mary Kay invented cosmetics and was the first to market them
  • Pink is a sacred color that posses mystic powers
  • Cult sisters must apply ointments and creams to their bodies in order to become ceremonially cleansed 
  • Following in Mary Kay's footsteps will bring untold riches and satisfaction into one's life.
  • Mary Kay did not die. She was caught up by a pink Cadillac into the Cosmetic Cosmos where she dwells in eternal beauty surrounded by the most loyal Six Figure Sales Reps.
  • Faithful members who invite others to accept the Mary Kay lifestyle are rewarded with gifts ranging from pink jewelry to pink cars. As Mary Kay says on her website: "Behind every success story in Mary Kay, you will find a simple explanation of great faith." Obviously whoever has more faith in Mary Kay will have more success.
 As is generally the case with cults, once you are in it is hard to get out. Some have been successful in leaving, others have not. Entire websites like seek to expose the secrets of the Pink Pyramid and assist other women "de-pink" their lives.
 One such source has said:

"One of the devices used to achieve mind-numbing compliance with all things Mary Kay was the use of the slogan. We were led down a path of little to no resistance because no matter what ugly objection surfaced in our heads, we had a cancel, cancel, canceling thought that fought back. The slogans shut down our concerns, convicted us of Mary Kay sin, aroused our enthusiasm, and otherwise controlled our thoughts."

I never would have supposed that an empty stomach would have led me to this. I now willingly impart my knowledge to all those who may fall victim to a similar trap. So when someone says to you" Come to Mary Kay," you can smile and say, "no thanks, I'll be on my merry way."

Friday, September 14, 2012

Absolutely Our #1 National Security Threat

When asked if she thought that obesity is the "number one greatest national security threat that we have" Michelle Obama answered, "absolutely."

That's right. Obesity is absolutely our number one security threat. Forget Afghanistan and Yemen and Siria. Saddam and Osama are dead and new evil has risen to take their place.

Domestic obesity attacks have risen 85% in the last 10 years. Hundreds of thousands have suffered at the hands of glorified terrorists like the
 infamous Cookie Monster. He and his co-conspirators are waging a war on the hungry public, and the Obamas are prepared to fight them.

President Obama has promised that he will start his next term by proposing "Weighty Bill" legislation (patterned after Brady Bill) to cut calorie consumption. In 2013 we hope to see Gut Control laws that will:
  • Require a license to purchase fast food
  • Initiate mandatory exercise programs
  • Install government monitored weight scales in every home
  • Ban all forks and spoons (as they are accomplices to weight crimes)
  • Commence FDA raids to confiscate contraband cuisine (eliminating our shelf defense rights)
According to the newly edited National Defense Authorization Act violators of these laws may be detained without due process (the government's new slogan: "Too Processed= No Due Process"). Habeus corpus, a latin phrase meaning "you have the body," no longer means a right to fair trial. Rather, it means "you have the body... and that's why you're going to jail." From now on it's guilty until proven skinnycent (okay, that pun was a stretch).

Once detained, criminals will be forced to eat tofu for every meal and participate in punitive exercise sessions led by none other than Richard Simons. We can't do enough to keep America safe.

Friday, August 17, 2012

By Brigham's Beard

When I was young I used my mother's eyeliner to draw a goatee on my face. Why? Because my heroes- General Custer, Walker Texas Ranger, every character from scripturedom, and many others had facial hair. Even as a small child I made the connection that facial hair meant true manhood.                         As I grew I waited for a beard like a youngster waits for Santa. However, my beard proved to be less real than the legendary arctic-dwelling bearded philanthropist. My beard never came. My sideburns did (what a blessing), but no beard.
This summer I tried an experiment. I lived my facial fantasy through another. Yes, I convinced Bryan to grow a beard. At first it was exhilarating, but soon it was depressing. It didn't help that we live in a college town whose mascot is a lumberjack, the most stereotypically bearded icon of all time. My dream soon became a relentless nightmare.
Feeling down I began to ponder why God didn't give me a beard. Surely He must understand this longing of my heart....or chin. Then, in a revelatory moment, it dawned on me. I don't have a beard because I am supposed to be at BYU-I. Beards are banned at BYU-I (which is ironic since the school is the namesake of a great bearded leader). God knows that if I had the choice between a beard and BYU-I, I would probably choose the beard (Don't judge me). I suppose this is an application of 1 Corinthians 10:13 which says that God "will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able." 
So now I sit here, stroking my stubbleless chin in a pensive fashion, feeling as if one of life's greatest mysteries has been unfolded to me. Though the seemingly endless opportunities provided by well groomed facial hair may not be mine, maybe, just maybe, there is something more for me because of it. 

"I have a beard and I've never been happier." -Bryan Fleming. 



Thursday, August 9, 2012

Gilliland Kids Say the Darndest Things

Here is a list of gems taken from my mom's journal that she kept for us when we were kids:

Mom: "Dax, do you have a dirty diaper?"
Dax (age 2): "Nooooo! Tanner did it!"

Tanner: These covers are so warm and cozy. It's made out of coze right?

Mom: Is Mommy's baby a boy or a girl?
Jade: A grandma!

Ronnie (age 3): Mommy....for some reason I went to Grandma's house.

Mason: When is Jesus coming down? I want him to tell us. How come he's not going to tell us? He can't stay up there forever!

Tess (when asked to take her diaper off and throw it away): But mom, then I'll have a bum!

Dax: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Shooting my bow
Dax: Why?
Dad: So I can shoot a deer
Dax: Why?
Dad: We eat the deer. We make hamburgers and steaks and other good things from deer.
Dax: Do you shoot trees?
Dad: No. Why?
Dax: Cause we eat apples

Tanner: Do you know who I love most in this family? Heavenly Father, Jesus, the Holy Ghost, and Ronnie.

Ronnie: I know what these are.....[taps the side of her head as she tries to remember].....ummm... I skipped my thing.
Dad [laughing]: Yeah, I've skipped my thing lots of times.

Jade: If you didn't have bones you would be skinny, huh?

Mason: Police aren't bad...they just put us in jail if we are screaming loud.

Dax: Dad this frog is talking to me!
Dad: What is he saying?
Dax (rolling his eyes): Ribbit!

Ronnie: Can I change my birthday?

Dax: We wear shoes so our socks don't get dirty

Mason: Does everybody love their right hand? I just love my right hand. My left hand can't do anything.

Mom: How will you remember that?
Dax: I'll tape it in my head!

Tess (talking to Brent in his crib): Remember when this was my bed when I was two? Then Jesus helped me turn three.

Dax: If the Book of Mormon is about people who lived in America, then the Bible is about people who lived in where? Florida?

Dax (to Mom and Dad): Stop the kissing and the hugging! Why do boys always have to fall in love with girls?! I hate that! I hate that situation!

Dax: Do you know why legs are important? So we can climb trees.
Tanner: Yeah, and get fruit. We couldn't get none fruit if we didn't have any legs.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Steak Perfume: A sarcastic commentary on immodesty

    Girl, if your best tactic for catching a man's attention is booty shorts and low cut shirts, then this product is for you.
    You, dear girl, have discovered the well-known fact that men are only a step above primates (the step up being that they can work a power drill...which I think an ape might be able to do with some training). Yes, men are just like the savage animals who, to wax scriptural, walk after the carnal lusts of the flesh. They care for nothing but sex, food, sports, and Harrison Ford movies.
   You, sweet sister, knowing this great truth have discovered that if you show off some skin, the men can't resist but flock to you like moths to a flame. Yet for some reason your attempts to find a decent man (which is probably impossible considering the aforementioned facts) are all in vain.

Don't discourage my dear. Help is here.

Rather than trying to win a man over with your charm, wit, and virtue (not to mention an over-exaggerated interest in Star Wars) just attack the man's primal instincts on another level: his sense of smell.

No man can resist the tempting scent of a juicy steak still smoking hot from the grill. If your personal bikini display on the apartment lawn is not enticing enough to the savage man, its probably because he can't smell you. Buy a bottle of Steak Perfume today and match a smell to your outfit. No man will be able to resist this blatant bludgeoning of the senses.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

First Date Kit. If you say it fast it sounds like "First Aid Kit." That's why it's funny

We all know how stressful and potentially awkward first dates can be. Maybe you have bad breath or stale jokes. Whatever your problem with dating may be, the First Date Kit....maybe can help. If anything, the First Date Kit's powerful placebo effect is clinically proven to possibly influence the general feeling of 8% of all dates.

Buy a First Date Kit today and we will throw in another kit entirely 30% free! Don't let your dates suffer any longer!

FOW: Dumb and Dumber

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Friendship of the Week: the Avengers

In honor of the greatest movie ever we present this week's Photoshopped Friendship: The Avengers

                            Captain America and Iron Man

                            ....and Nick Fury....

Saturday, May 12, 2012

The (Photoshopped) Friendship of the Week

Friendship is what this blog is all about (it's also about playing with photoshop). That's why we have decided to start a regular "Friendship of the Week" section that will highlight famous friends from history. The very first friendship that we would like to honor and emulate today is the Mexican
 wrestling duo Nacho and Esqueleto.

If you would like to suggest a friendship to honor post a comment below. All suggestions will be considered, though we do not guarantee they will be used.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Relationship Status Wristbands

  Picture this: You are talking with a person of the opposite sex. You think the conversation is going well so you ask for their number. Then comes the dreaded response: "Oh sorry, I'm already dating someone."
  We've all been in similar awkward situations. If only there was some way to know beforehand the person's relationship status....
 Well now you can!

Relationship Status Wristbands, in all your favorite colors!

Never worry about those awkward moments again. Feel free to customize your bands with all of our different labels:
  • Single
  • In a relationship
  • Practically Engaged
  • Actually Engaged
  • Married
  • Single and Happy
  • Benefriend
  • Waiting for a missionary...or somebody better
Order yours today and never feel awkward again!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Oven Mitt

 Realizing that Mitt Romney is likely to become the Republican Presidential nominee, we have decided to practice vulture...ahem... I mean, "opportunist" capitalism by selling Mitt Romney merchandise. So it is with great pride that we, the makers of Excellent Productions, present to you:

   The Oven Mitt!

For a limited time only you can get your own Oven Mitt for only $100.  To order, simply send us a check with a copy of your 2011 tax returns, your full name (so that you can be published as an official campaign donor), and proof of your political party affiliation.

Jump on the Mittwagon and make this purchase today!

The Oven Mitt will also look great with your Mitt Romney Flip Flops.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Happy Thoughts from Simon and Garfunkel

   If you need a friend 
   I'm sailing right behind 
   Like a bridge over troubled water 
   I will ease your mind 
       -Simon and Garfunkel

Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Boot

Anyone who has ever thought they could park in a parking lot without a permit has more than likely seen there car get booted. Thinking about this ruthless booting phenomenon, I realized how funny it would be if they did the same thing to loiterers.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


After seeing such confusion in the Republican Party, we have decided to throw our hat into the political ring and run for President and Vice President. Let's face it America, we need real change, not the empty promises of corrupt career politicians. We need a presidential ticket capable of dethroning Obama. We need Tanner and Bryan.
We are not politicians. We are just average citizens determined to give America what it deserves. We believe that we have what it takes. A national poll covering Arizona and Idaho reports that we have at least 31 supporters, 3 of which reportedly read our blog more than once a year. With this kind of grassroots support, we will certainly be a force to be reckoned with.

Now we would like to highlight some of the proposed platform policies

National Defense:
We are THE ONLY candidates who are willing and able to prepare America for the imminent threat of a Zombie Apocalypse. It is for this purpose that as President and Vice President we will name Chuck Norris head of the Department of National Security. He will grant each citizen a chainsaw and training dvds so that they will be prepared when danger is at hand.

Illegal Immigration: "Can'tada: Keep them Out!"

Many candidates have discussed the "problems" with illegal Mexican immigration (as if they didn't appreciate genuine Mexican tacos) but they have failed to address the most devious of illegal immigrants: Canadians. They look like us, they sound like us, but they are not U.S. Our "Can'tada: Keep Them Out" program will not only round up (with the use of state-of-the-art Maple syrup traps) and drive out any and all illegal Canadian immigrants (an estimated 3/ year), it will also prohibit Canadians from entering the country legally to steal our jobs, swamp our hockey teams, and propagandize us with their evil socialist agendas. We will continue to strengthen our border security by employing our controversial 2nd Amendment Right to Arm Bears.

Economy: the 5-5-5 Plan (Not to be confused with Herman Cain's 9-9-9 Plan)
This plan is centered around the Domino's 5-5-5 Deal that offers 3 Medium pizzas for only $5 a piece. We believe that an effort by the federal government to encourage taxpayers to take advantage of this deal will result in less spending on more expensive pizza. Less spending= more money in taxpayers' pockets.

We propose to cut taxes on everyone under the age of 60. Elderly citizens above the age of 60 will have a tax increase of 40%. Why? Old people have had their whole lives to save money. That's why you always see old people living in big houses and driving fancy cars. Tell us of a college student who owns a Porsche and we will change our policy. They are going to find something to gripe about anyway.

Election Reform
Knowing how hard and terribly inconvenient it is to go down to a public meeting place to vote, we will reform the elections to a "text-in-your-vote" system. This method has proven 100% effective in important American democratic processes like "American Idol."

These are only a few of the important changes that we will make as President and Vice President of the United States of America. In the comments section you will be free to pledge your support and offer monetary contributions that will be used to pay this semester's rent
We are Tanner and Bryan and we approve of this message.

This campaign is been generously endorsed by Chuck Testa, the late Billy Mays, the Animal Kingdom, and Math.

Friday, March 2, 2012

How BYU-I Could Guarantee Marriage

All the ancient prophets from Isaac to Moses knew the secret to finding a wife. A close look at their love stories reveals a common denominator, a key if you will, to encountering an eternal soul mate. By recreating the same scenario on campus, BYU-I could guarantee that its students find a wife worthy of their love. The answer is simple. They need to build a well.


"And [the servant of Isaac] made his camels to kneel down without the city by a well of water ... even the time that women go out to draw water.

"And he said, O Lord God... Behold, I stand here by the well of water; and the daughters of the men of the city come out to draw water:

"And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master.

"And it came to pass, before he had done speaking, that, behold, Rebekah came out.. with her pitcher upon her shoulder.

"And the damsel was very fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her: and she went down to the well, and filled her pitcher, and came up. And the servant ran to meet her, and said, Let me, I pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher. And she said, Drink, my lord: and she hasted, and let down her pitcher upon her hand, and gave him drink.

"And when she had done giving him drink, she said, I will draw water for thy camels also, until they have done drinking."

And in the end: "Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her." (Genesis 24)


"And [Jacob] looked, and behold a well in the field... and a great stone was upon the well’s mouth... And Jacob said unto them, My brethren, whence be ye? And they said, Of Haran are we...

And while he yet spake with them, Rachel came with her father’s sheep: for she kept them....

And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel... [he] went near, and rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother’s brother.

And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept." (Genesis 29:2-11)


"Moses fled from the face of Pharaoh, and dwelt in the land of Midian: and he sat down by a well.

"Now the priest of Midian had seven daughters: and they came and drew water, and filled the troughs to water their father’s flock.

"And the shepherds came and drove them away: but Moses stood up and helped them, and watered their flock. And when they came to Reul their father, he said, How is it that ye are come so soon to day?

"And they said, An Egyptian delivered us out of the hand of the shepherds, and also drew water enough for us, and watered the flock.

"And he said unto his daughters, And where is he? why is it that ye have left the man? call him, that he may eat bread.

"And Moses was content to dwell with the man: and he gave Moses Zipporah his daughter."

Just think, no more awkward first dates. No more senseless mind games. No more expensive dinners to pay for. If only we had a well....

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

You might be in Rexburg...

If you have ever described 30 degree weather as "balmy" or "nice out"...
If you've ever been fined for texting in a crosswalk, throwing a snowball, or jaywalking...
If your idea of a good time involves Karaoke Night at your school...
If you've ever worn a mustache to a restaurant to get a discount...
If you've ever gotten wet playing a game of Battleship...
If you've never paid more than $5 for a pizza...
If it's been over a year since you've worn shorts or flip flops...
If you can't take a test in shorts or skinny jeans...
If you refer to your school as "the Lord's University"....
If you've ever seen 7 wedding announcements in one week...
If you have ever felt the Spirit of Ricks...
If you start a discussion about evolution with a prayer...
If you've ever played ultimate frisbee in a snowstorm....
If you've never seen an alcoholic beverage within your city limits...
If you've ever been asked on a date to the gardens...
If you've ever said no to a date in the gardens because you "just aren't ready...."
If going to the mall means driving half an hour to a place called IF...
If you can't park at your friend's apartment without getting booted...
If you know from painful experience that "boots" have nothing to do with footwear
If you associate the names Hinckley, Benson, Snow, and Kimball with buildings...
If you hear bells every day but have never seen a bell tower...
If you have never actually driven through the crossroads...
If your friends are confused as to why you go to an eye center to hear religious devotionals....
If you wear a suit and tie every Tuesday...
If you've ever referred to your walk to your math class as "the trek"...
If you think a Buick is a building, not a car...
If you have ever been engaged after two dates...
If you wait to see movies til they come out in the "cheap theater"...
If you have weekly DTRs...
If you know what a DTR is...
If you can't afford to go to BYU Hawaii...
If BYU Provo denied your application....
....then you might be in Rexburg.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Who Needs Friends When You Have Siri?

Here is a review of Apple's new I Phone with quotes taken directly from the Apple website. (

"Talk to Siri as you would to a person... Siri does what you say, finds the information you need, then answers you. It’s like you’re having a conversation with your iPhone."

Imagine! A friend that is only there to make your life easier. It never disagrees with you. You can have a conversation without some of the inherent fears of offense, emotional involvement, or having it dominate the conversation. You can command:"Siri! have an intellectual conversation with me...and then tell me where I can get the cheapest tacos in town!" It's like a perfect room mate that never steals your milk.

"Siri not only understands what you say, it’s smart enough to know what you mean...." How many of your "real" friends could fit that description?

"It has so much to tell you. When there’s something you need to do, just ask Siri to help you do it... Siri is proactive, so it will question you until it finds what you’re looking for."

That's right. Siri is like a best friend/secretary/slave, that will obey your every command and make your life so much easier by eliminating all the undesirable tasks from your daily schedule. For example, Siri can schedule your appointments, send your texts, order your pizza, manage your finances, do your homework, discipline your children, break up with your girlfriend, and a myriad of other tasks. Who needs friends when you have Siri?

Wait.....I've seen something like this before in a science fiction movie. This is how it starts. We have friendly little robots who only exist to serve us and then....

Thursday, February 2, 2012

There Were Bells On a Hill.....Or Were There?

It was a day like any other. I was walking from the library to the Romney building at BYU-I. As I walked I only half listened to the familiar sound of the campus bells playing hymns for all of Rexburg to hear. Then I stopped. It was 1:49 pm. I asked myself, "Self, why were the bells playing at 1:49?" As far as I knew bells usually ring to announce a new hour. So why did they sound then at such an odd time? Then as I thought to myself I realized that the bells were almost always playing at random times. Sometimes it seems like they just play all day. I decided to investigate further at the bell tower.

Before my investigation could begin I was struck with yet another epiphany. We don't have a bell tower! If we don't have a bell tower then where are these bell hymns coming from? I stopped a passerby who was passing by (as they tend to do) and asked where the bell sound was coming from. He informed me that there are speakers on one of the main buildings that play recordings of bells playing hymns.

I stood there stunned. Recordings? What?! This discovery has lead me on a journey of thought that would make Socrates himself quake in his boots. My pondering has led me to ask such questions as: "If bell towers usually correlate with time, and if our recordings play at random intervals, then why try to simulate a bell tower? If they just want us to hear instrumental music, then why bells? Why not play recordings of an instrument a little more impressive than bells, like bagpipes? If they want us to become more acquainted with the hymns then why not just play recordings of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? Is this all just some disguised attempt to subliminally convince us that we are just as good as our sister school in Provo?"

If you know the answer to one or more of these questions, please let me know.......I am so confused.....

Monday, January 23, 2012

BYU-I Testing Center

Following the recent drama surrounding the BYU-I testing center dress standards where a student was denied entrance for wearing "skinny jeans", the university again takes the national spotlight after reportedly refusing entrance to an ewok. The testing center spokesman denied that the ewok was barred from entrance on account of being an ewok and affirmed that the decision was made because the creature was not currently wearing pants. The only statement released to the press by the ewok was, "Yub nub." Certainly there will be more news to follow.