Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Free Lunch and the Mary Kay Cult

Every college student should know the art of getting free lunch (don't tell me there's no such thing). If you've never sat through a Pest Control recruiting meeting just for the free pizza, you aren't being resourceful enough.

Does it seem low and cheap? Perhaps. But Pest Control and Student Support meetings are nothing compared to the low level that I stooped to last week. In this tell-all article I will explain how my search for sustenance led me to one of the most bizarre cults of our time: Mary Kay.

It all started when I was approached by a friend who was recently initiated into the Pink Persuasion. She offered me pizza to  listen to the Mary Kay Business Plan (their equivalent of the 1st Discussion). Being the sucker for free food that I am, I agreed, never imagining what I would witness there.
 Different sects give different names to their meetings. Some have revivals, others have masses, Mary Kay has parties. While men are technically allowed at these parties, they are obviously intended for women. It's kind of like feminine freemasonry. Freemarys? Not-so-free-marys? During the hour long ordeal I became acquainted with some of Mary Kay's secret rituals that may or may not go down in a giant pink pyramid like this one: (on that note, I think that all pyramid schemes should have a real pyramid as their headquarters)

In this segment I would like to outline some of the basic beliefs and practices of the Mary Kay Cult.

MK Cult History
Mary Kay started her cute little cult in the 60's when cultish groups were more popular than the Beatles. But while other cults like the Charles Manson Family and Jonestown ended in disaster, The Cosmetic Cult experienced amazing success and continues to do so to this day.

MK Cult Beliefs and Practices
From what I gathered in my brief brush with beauty is that Mary K-ites have the following beliefs and rituals:
  • Mary Kay invented cosmetics and was the first to market them
  • Pink is a sacred color that posses mystic powers
  • Cult sisters must apply ointments and creams to their bodies in order to become ceremonially cleansed 
  • Following in Mary Kay's footsteps will bring untold riches and satisfaction into one's life.
  • Mary Kay did not die. She was caught up by a pink Cadillac into the Cosmetic Cosmos where she dwells in eternal beauty surrounded by the most loyal Six Figure Sales Reps.
  • Faithful members who invite others to accept the Mary Kay lifestyle are rewarded with gifts ranging from pink jewelry to pink cars. As Mary Kay says on her website: "Behind every success story in Mary Kay, you will find a simple explanation of great faith." Obviously whoever has more faith in Mary Kay will have more success.
 As is generally the case with cults, once you are in it is hard to get out. Some have been successful in leaving, others have not. Entire websites like seek to expose the secrets of the Pink Pyramid and assist other women "de-pink" their lives.
 One such source has said:

"One of the devices used to achieve mind-numbing compliance with all things Mary Kay was the use of the slogan. We were led down a path of little to no resistance because no matter what ugly objection surfaced in our heads, we had a cancel, cancel, canceling thought that fought back. The slogans shut down our concerns, convicted us of Mary Kay sin, aroused our enthusiasm, and otherwise controlled our thoughts."

I never would have supposed that an empty stomach would have led me to this. I now willingly impart my knowledge to all those who may fall victim to a similar trap. So when someone says to you" Come to Mary Kay," you can smile and say, "no thanks, I'll be on my merry way."

Friday, September 14, 2012

Absolutely Our #1 National Security Threat

When asked if she thought that obesity is the "number one greatest national security threat that we have" Michelle Obama answered, "absolutely."

That's right. Obesity is absolutely our number one security threat. Forget Afghanistan and Yemen and Siria. Saddam and Osama are dead and new evil has risen to take their place.

Domestic obesity attacks have risen 85% in the last 10 years. Hundreds of thousands have suffered at the hands of glorified terrorists like the
 infamous Cookie Monster. He and his co-conspirators are waging a war on the hungry public, and the Obamas are prepared to fight them.

President Obama has promised that he will start his next term by proposing "Weighty Bill" legislation (patterned after Brady Bill) to cut calorie consumption. In 2013 we hope to see Gut Control laws that will:
  • Require a license to purchase fast food
  • Initiate mandatory exercise programs
  • Install government monitored weight scales in every home
  • Ban all forks and spoons (as they are accomplices to weight crimes)
  • Commence FDA raids to confiscate contraband cuisine (eliminating our shelf defense rights)
According to the newly edited National Defense Authorization Act violators of these laws may be detained without due process (the government's new slogan: "Too Processed= No Due Process"). Habeus corpus, a latin phrase meaning "you have the body," no longer means a right to fair trial. Rather, it means "you have the body... and that's why you're going to jail." From now on it's guilty until proven skinnycent (okay, that pun was a stretch).

Once detained, criminals will be forced to eat tofu for every meal and participate in punitive exercise sessions led by none other than Richard Simons. We can't do enough to keep America safe.