Wednesday, October 30, 2013

The Revolutionary War was a Hoax

A team of scholars specializing in American history have declared that the Revolutionary War was a hoax. They point to "strong evidence" gathered from old journals, letters, firsthand accounts, and their own conjectures.

Often referred to as the War that Birthed a Nation, the so-called "American Revolution" has puzzled historians and layman alike. "There are just too many loose ends," says Dr. Scott Herpich's, professor and author of the book, American Revo-TRUE-tion, "Things just don't add up."

One of Herpich's key criticisms is the lack of any photographical evidence.  "What kind of war takes place without a single picture being taken? I mean, even the Pope has taken a selfie. You're trying to tell me that old George W (not Bush) never had three seconds to take a picture? It's more likely that the man we call George Washington was the evolved combination of Native American legends mixed with European values, and not the actual political hero we make him out to be. It is also probable that the idea of General George Washington was perpetuated by the Continental Congress as a way of unifying the American people."

With no photographical evidence, researchers have turned to paintings in hopes of unraveling the tapestry of deceit.

A close examination of the famed "Washington Crossing the Delaware" reveal shocking details about the conspiracies surrounding "the war." Look closely at Washington's hat. Invisible to the casual observer is the symbol of the All-Seeing-Eye above the uncompleted pyramid embroidered in "Washington's" hat. Clearly, if there ever was a man by the name of George Washington, he was a servant of the Illuminati. It's no wonder that America was referred to as the New World, if Washington himself was a symbol of the New World Order.

Another perusal of the painting reveals what many scientists have been saying for years, that there was no ice on the Delaware River when "Washington" purportedly crossed it. Almost imperceptible to the naked eye, is an incriminating revelation. Written on the "ice," is the name, Fake Ice Inc, the largest manufacturer of fake ice in Northern America.  For years, critics have speculated about unlawful ties between this monster corporation and corrupt government officials. Stock reports from that period mark a significant jump in Fake Ice Inc. stock just hours before the river was "crossed." It is interesting to note that Fake Ice products were found at the scene of both the Lincoln and Tupac assassinations.

Perhaps the most disturbing revelation from this painting is the evidence that exposes extra-terrestrial influence. When researchers zoomed into a small dot in the corner of the painting they discovered what appears to a metallic unidentified flying saucer. This may be the first documented case of alien influence in the American government. Since that time, various public officials have sought to maintain positive relations with the extra-terrestrials by legislating fairer treatment of illegal aliens.

Though ivory tower scholars have labelled Herpich and his colleagues as conspiracy theorists, kooks, and Chinese, a recently-discovered artifact proves the conspiracies to be true. This letter, found on the internet, appears to be written from King George of England to George Washington (or rather, to the idea of Washington):

This document offers irrefutable evidence that the Revolutionary War was a complete hoax imposed on the American people as a way of feeding the War Machine and the Illuminati elites that profited therefrom.

Though proof is undeniable, there are some who choose to cling to the false notions about the Revolutionary War that have been maintained for 200 years. "There are too many corrupt sources of information nowadays. It's almost impossible to learn the truth," says Herpich. "Just goes to show, you shouldn't believe everything you read on the internet."

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Global Warming: A Convenient Truth

I support Global Warming. You're probably asking, "Tanner, don't you mean you believe in Global Warming?" Okay, first of all, it's called Global Climate Change, so call it the right name. How would you feel if someone called you the wrong name all the time? They'd be like, "Hey Keith" and you'd be like, "I'm not Keith, I'm Chelsea!" That would be frustrating wouldn't it?

I support Global Climate Change. We know that everything Science (or guys named Bill who speak in behalf of Science) says is true. And Science says that this planet is heating up. I say, "Bring it on!"

If there's one thing I hate, it's when people don't do the dishes. If there's a second thing I hate, it's when people disrespect their mother. Well listen up folks, Mother Earth is getting chilly and she wants to turn up the thermostat. I SUPPORT OUR MOM!

Maybe it's because I was born in the hottest summer in the history of Arizona (the state where the devil keeps his summer home), and lived in the dry desert for 11 years. Maybe it's the fact that I spent two years living on the equator, or maybe it's because I'm a sensible human being, but I think cold weather is the greatest hoax of all time.

I'm tired of winter. It reminds me too much of a girl I took out once: cold, flaky, white, and showing very little signs of life. Winter is expensive. Think winter clothes, heating, snow tires, hot chocolate, ski resort passes, etc. The only reason we have Christmas and New Years in the winter is so that we have an excuse to celebrate.

I'm not the only one who thinks that winter is overrated. Earth thinks so too. That's why Earth is heating up. I think we should help her out. Let's get rid of this cold once and for all. Grab a can of CO2 and go to town. Leave your car running. Let's startle Guinness with the world's largest carbon footprint. When you are relaxing on a warm beach in January, you will thank me.

I figure that some of you might doubt the reality of Global Climate Change. If that is the case, let's imagine that you and I are alone in a room where we can talk openly and freely, just the two of us. I imagine our conversation would go something like this:

Me: Son, I have something very important to tell you.
You: I'm not your son.
Me: Not yet, but once we sign the papers you will be.
You: What papers? What are you even talking about?
Me: Never mind, I can see you're not mature enough for this conversation. Your mother and I will have to wait until you are older.
You: You don't even know my mother. What conversation?
Me: I certainly do know Mother Earth! I know her better than you do and I love her with all my heart!
You: This is getting weird. Can I go?
Me: Not yet. The door is on a timer and won't unlock for another 6 minutes.
You: Okay.... what did you want to talk about?
Me: Global Climate Change. Your mother and I think it's important that you finally get with the times and start supporting it.
You: Oh yeah, I've seen the Inconvenient Truth. I believe.
You: Did you get that from The Santa Claus movie?
Me: That's right. And Santa is going to continue freezing his tail off if we don't do something. It's not enough to just watch the video of the ex-future-first-lady's-husband. You have to act Keith!
You: I'm not Keith, I'm Chelsea.
Me: Whatever.
You: I know you have to act. You have to use less water and electricity. Obviously the most important thing is to drastically curtail CO2 emissions both as individuals and as corporations and...
Me: WHO DIED AND MADE YOU AL GORE? You've got this all wrong! Don't you get it?! We are trying to heat the planet up! It's time to do away with winter! It's time to have bermuda shorts and Beach Boys albums going all year round! It's time for Earth to become an Eden again!
You: .................................................
Me: Sandwich?
You: No thanks.
Me: Well, I'm glad we had this talk. Here's a some plastic. Go burn it.

Now that you are convinced of the reality of Global Climate Change, it is your responsibility to do everything in your power to make sure this planet gets warmer. I can't survive another Rexburg winter if you don't. Remember it all starts with you. As Gandhi once didn't exactly say: "You have to be the change you wish to see in the world."