Saturday, October 26, 2013

Global Warming: A Convenient Truth

I support Global Warming. You're probably asking, "Tanner, don't you mean you believe in Global Warming?" Okay, first of all, it's called Global Climate Change, so call it the right name. How would you feel if someone called you the wrong name all the time? They'd be like, "Hey Keith" and you'd be like, "I'm not Keith, I'm Chelsea!" That would be frustrating wouldn't it?

I support Global Climate Change. We know that everything Science (or guys named Bill who speak in behalf of Science) says is true. And Science says that this planet is heating up. I say, "Bring it on!"

If there's one thing I hate, it's when people don't do the dishes. If there's a second thing I hate, it's when people disrespect their mother. Well listen up folks, Mother Earth is getting chilly and she wants to turn up the thermostat. I SUPPORT OUR MOM!

Maybe it's because I was born in the hottest summer in the history of Arizona (the state where the devil keeps his summer home), and lived in the dry desert for 11 years. Maybe it's the fact that I spent two years living on the equator, or maybe it's because I'm a sensible human being, but I think cold weather is the greatest hoax of all time.

I'm tired of winter. It reminds me too much of a girl I took out once: cold, flaky, white, and showing very little signs of life. Winter is expensive. Think winter clothes, heating, snow tires, hot chocolate, ski resort passes, etc. The only reason we have Christmas and New Years in the winter is so that we have an excuse to celebrate.

I'm not the only one who thinks that winter is overrated. Earth thinks so too. That's why Earth is heating up. I think we should help her out. Let's get rid of this cold once and for all. Grab a can of CO2 and go to town. Leave your car running. Let's startle Guinness with the world's largest carbon footprint. When you are relaxing on a warm beach in January, you will thank me.

I figure that some of you might doubt the reality of Global Climate Change. If that is the case, let's imagine that you and I are alone in a room where we can talk openly and freely, just the two of us. I imagine our conversation would go something like this:

Me: Son, I have something very important to tell you.
You: I'm not your son.
Me: Not yet, but once we sign the papers you will be.
You: What papers? What are you even talking about?
Me: Never mind, I can see you're not mature enough for this conversation. Your mother and I will have to wait until you are older.
You: You don't even know my mother. What conversation?
Me: I certainly do know Mother Earth! I know her better than you do and I love her with all my heart!
You: This is getting weird. Can I go?
Me: Not yet. The door is on a timer and won't unlock for another 6 minutes.
You: Okay.... what did you want to talk about?
Me: Global Climate Change. Your mother and I think it's important that you finally get with the times and start supporting it.
You: Oh yeah, I've seen the Inconvenient Truth. I believe.
You: Did you get that from The Santa Claus movie?
Me: That's right. And Santa is going to continue freezing his tail off if we don't do something. It's not enough to just watch the video of the ex-future-first-lady's-husband. You have to act Keith!
You: I'm not Keith, I'm Chelsea.
Me: Whatever.
You: I know you have to act. You have to use less water and electricity. Obviously the most important thing is to drastically curtail CO2 emissions both as individuals and as corporations and...
Me: WHO DIED AND MADE YOU AL GORE? You've got this all wrong! Don't you get it?! We are trying to heat the planet up! It's time to do away with winter! It's time to have bermuda shorts and Beach Boys albums going all year round! It's time for Earth to become an Eden again!
You: .................................................
Me: Sandwich?
You: No thanks.
Me: Well, I'm glad we had this talk. Here's a some plastic. Go burn it.

Now that you are convinced of the reality of Global Climate Change, it is your responsibility to do everything in your power to make sure this planet gets warmer. I can't survive another Rexburg winter if you don't. Remember it all starts with you. As Gandhi once didn't exactly say: "You have to be the change you wish to see in the world."


  1. To support Chelsea... I mean... Global Climate Change, I am not going to hold back any of my gas. It is high time I helped this cause, and sharing my winds with the world should pretty much be enough to bring up global temperature 1-3 degrees.

    Rexburg winters should be renamed to Pure Death as that is what they are. I support our Mother and will do my best to pop the frozen zit that sits upon her face.

    May your campaign bring balance to the force.


  2. Burn plastic? Common everybody knows burning plastic is a waste.
    Burn Styrofoam! Release those chlorofluoro carbons and show the ozone who is boss!