TANNER and BRYAN 2012

After seeing such confusion in the Republican Party, we have decided to throw our hat into the political ring and run for President and Vice President. Let's face it America, we need real change, not the empty promises of corrupt career politicians. We need a presidential ticket capable of dethroning Obama. We need Tanner and Bryan.
We are not politicians. We are just average citizens determined to give America what it deserves. We believe that we have what it takes. A national poll covering Arizona and Idaho reports that we have at least 31 supporters, 3 of which reportedly read our blog more than once a year. With this kind of grassroots support, we will certainly be a force to be reckoned with.

Now we would like to highlight some of the proposed platform policies

National Defense:
We are THE ONLY candidates who are willing and able to prepare America for the imminent threat of a Zombie Apocalypse. It is for this purpose that as President and Vice President we will name Chuck Norris head of the Department of National Security. He will grant each citizen a chainsaw and training dvds so that they will be prepared when danger is at hand.

Illegal Immigration: "Can'tada: Keep them Out!"

Many candidates have discussed the "problems" with illegal Mexican immigration (as if they didn't appreciate genuine Mexican tacos) but they have failed to address the most devious of illegal immigrants: Canadians. They look like us, they sound like us, but they are not U.S. Our "Can'tada: Keep Them Out" program will not only round up (with the use of state-of-the-art Maple syrup traps) and drive out any and all illegal Canadian immigrants (an estimated 3/ year), it will also prohibit Canadians from entering the country legally to steal our jobs, swamp our hockey teams, and propagandize us with their evil socialist agendas. We will continue to strengthen our border security by employing our controversial 2nd Amendment Right to Arm Bears.

Economy: the 5-5-5 Plan (Not to be confused with Herman Cain's 9-9-9 Plan)
This plan is centered around the Domino's 5-5-5 Deal that offers 3 Medium pizzas for only $5 a piece. We believe that an effort by the federal government to encourage taxpayers to take advantage of this deal will result in less spending on more expensive pizza. Less spending= more money in taxpayers' pockets.

Taxes
We propose to cut taxes on everyone under the age of 60. Elderly citizens above the age of 60 will have a tax increase of 40%. Why? Old people have had their whole lives to save money. That's why you always see old people living in big houses and driving fancy cars. Tell us of a college student who owns a Porsche and we will change our policy. They are going to find something to gripe about anyway.

Election Reform

Knowing how hard and terribly inconvenient it is to go down to a public meeting place to vote, we will reform the elections to a "text-in-your-vote" system. This method has proven 100% effective in important American democratic processes like "American Idol."

These are only a few of the important changes that we will make as President and Vice President of the United States of America. In the comments section you will be free to pledge your support and offer monetary contributions that will be used to pay this semester's rent
We are Tanner and Bryan and we approve of this message.

This campaign is been generously endorsed by Chuck Testa, the late Billy Mays, the Animal Kingdom, and Math.

How BYU-I Could Guarantee Marriage

All the ancient prophets from Isaac to Moses knew the secret to finding a wife. A close look at their love stories reveals a common denominator, a key if you will, to encountering an eternal soul mate. By recreating the same scenario on campus, BYU-I could guarantee that its students find a wife worthy of their love. The answer is simple. They need to build a well.

ISAAC

"And [the servant of Isaac] made his camels to kneel down without the city by a well of water ... even the time that women go out to draw water.

"And he said, O Lord God... Behold, I stand here by the well of water; and the daughters of the men of the city come out to draw water:

"And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master.

"And it came to pass, before he had done speaking, that, behold, Rebekah came out.. with her pitcher upon her shoulder.

"And the damsel was very fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her: and she went down to the well, and filled her pitcher, and came up. And the servant ran to meet her, and said, Let me, I pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher. And she said, Drink, my lord: and she hasted, and let down her pitcher upon her hand, and gave him drink.

"And when she had done giving him drink, she said, I will draw water for thy camels also, until they have done drinking."

And in the end: "Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her." (Genesis 24)

JACOB

"And [Jacob] looked, and behold a well in the field... and a great stone was upon the well’s mouth... And Jacob said unto them, My brethren, whence be ye? And they said, Of Haran are we...

And while he yet spake with them, Rachel came with her father’s sheep: for she kept them....

And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel... [he] went near, and rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother’s brother.

And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept." (Genesis 29:2-11)

MOSES

"Moses fled from the face of Pharaoh, and dwelt in the land of Midian: and he sat down by a well.

"Now the priest of Midian had seven daughters: and they came and drew water, and filled the troughs to water their father’s flock.

"And the shepherds came and drove them away: but Moses stood up and helped them, and watered their flock. And when they came to Reul their father, he said, How is it that ye are come so soon to day?

"And they said, An Egyptian delivered us out of the hand of the shepherds, and also drew water enough for us, and watered the flock.

"And he said unto his daughters, And where is he? why is it that ye have left the man? call him, that he may eat bread.

"And Moses was content to dwell with the man: and he gave Moses Zipporah his daughter."

Just think, no more awkward first dates. No more senseless mind games. No more expensive dinners to pay for. If only we had a well....

You might be in Rexburg...

If you have ever described 30 degree weather as "balmy" or "nice out"...
If you've ever been fined for texting in a crosswalk, throwing a snowball, or jaywalking...
If your idea of a good time involves Karaoke Night at your school...
If you've ever worn a mustache to a restaurant to get a discount...
If you've ever gotten wet playing a game of Battleship...

If you've never paid more than $5 for a pizza...

If it's been over a year since you've worn shorts or flip flops...

If you refer to your school as "the Lord's University"....

If you've ever seen 7 wedding announcements in one week...
If you start a discussion about evolution with a prayer...

If you've ever played ultimate frisbee in a snowstorm....
If you've never seen an alcoholic beverage within your city limits...
If you've ever been asked on a date to the gardens...
If you've ever said no to a date in the gardens because you "just aren't ready...."
If going to the mall means driving half an hour to a place called IF...
If you can't park at your friend's apartment without getting booted...
If you know from painful experience that "boots" have nothing to do with footwear
If you associate the names Hinckley, Benson, Snow, and Kimball with buildings...
If you hear bells every day but have never seen a bell tower...
If you have never actually driven through the crossroads...
If your friends are confused as to why you go to an eye center to hear religious devotionals....
If you wear a suit and tie every Tuesday...
If you've ever referred to your walk to your math class as "the trek"...
If you think a Buick is a building, not a car...
If you have ever been engaged after two dates...
If you wait to see movies til they come out in the "cheap theater"...
If you have weekly DTRs...
If you know what a DTR is...
If you can't afford to go to BYU Hawaii...
If BYU Provo denied your application....
....then you might be in Rexburg.

Who Needs Friends When You Have Siri?

Here is a review of Apple's new I Phone with quotes taken directly from the Apple website. (http://www.apple.com/iphone/features/siri.html)

"Talk to Siri as you would to a person... Siri does what you say, finds the information you need, then answers you. It’s like you’re having a conversation with your iPhone."

Imagine! A friend that is only there to make your life easier. It never disagrees with you. You can have a conversation without some of the inherent fears of offense, emotional involvement, or having it dominate the conversation. You can command:"Siri! have an intellectual conversation with me...and then tell me where I can get the cheapest tacos in town!" It's like a perfect room mate that never steals your milk.

"Siri not only understands what you say, it’s smart enough to know what you mean...." How many of your "real" friends could fit that description?

"It has so much to tell you. When there’s something you need to do, just ask Siri to help you do it... Siri is proactive, so it will question you until it finds what you’re looking for."

That's right. Siri is like a best friend/secretary/slave, that will obey your every command and make your life so much easier by eliminating all the undesirable tasks from your daily schedule. For example, Siri can schedule your appointments, send your texts, order your pizza, manage your finances, do your homework, discipline your children, break up with your girlfriend, and a myriad of other tasks. Who needs friends when you have Siri?

Wait.....I've seen something like this before in a science fiction movie. This is how it starts. We have friendly little robots who only exist to serve us and then....

There Were Bells On a Hill.....Or Were There?

It was a day like any other. I was walking from the library to the Romney building at BYU-I. As I walked I only half listened to the familiar sound of the campus bells playing hymns for all of Rexburg to hear. Then I stopped. It was 1:49 pm. I asked myself, "Self, why were the bells playing at 1:49?" As far as I knew bells usually ring to announce a new hour. So why did they sound then at such an odd time? Then as I thought to myself I realized that the bells were almost always playing at random times. Sometimes it seems like they just play all day. I decided to investigate further at the bell tower.

Before my investigation could begin I was struck with yet another epiphany. We don't have a bell tower! If we don't have a bell tower then where are these bell hymns coming from? I stopped a passerby who was passing by (as they tend to do) and asked where the bell sound was coming from. He informed me that there are speakers on one of the main buildings that play recordings of bells playing hymns.

I stood there stunned. Recordings? What?! This discovery has lead me on a journey of thought that would make Socrates himself quake in his boots. My pondering has led me to ask such questions as: "If bell towers usually correlate with time, and if our recordings play at random intervals, then why try to simulate a bell tower? If they just want us to hear instrumental music, then why bells? Why not play recordings of an instrument a little more impressive than bells, like bagpipes? If they want us to become more acquainted with the hymns then why not just play recordings of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? Is this all just some disguised attempt to subliminally convince us that we are just as good as our sister school in Provo?"

If you know the answer to one or more of these questions, please let me know.......I am so confused.....

BYU-I Testing Center

Following the recent drama surrounding the BYU-I testing center dress standards where a student was denied entrance for wearing "skinny jeans", the university again takes the national spotlight after reportedly refusing entrance to an ewok. The testing center spokesman denied that the ewok was barred from entrance on account of being an ewok and affirmed that the decision was made because the creature was not currently wearing pants. The only statement released to the press by the ewok was, "Yub nub." Certainly there will be more news to follow.

Family Christmas Dance

Here is theChristmas Eve dance we choreographed for the opening ceremonies of the first annual Gilliland Family Ugly Sweater Contest.

Ballad of the Tele-Surveyer

As many of you know, I, Tanner Michael Gilliland Esq., currently work at a call center doing telephone surveys. Much of my time is spent simply waiting for people to answer the phone. Ergo, I have lots of time to get the creative juices flowing. The words of this parody came to me as I labored last saturday in the call center. I'm going to give you guys a heads up. There's a line that says "And now my PR is a crying shame." PR is Productivity Rate which is basically how many surveys you do per hour. Since you get paid better if you do more surveys per hour, you learn to dislike when people take forever to do surveys. I've heard that if you have to explain a joke then it isn't funny. If that is true, then I have successfully un-funnied that joke.

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Why We Haven't Blogged: Yoko Oh No!

Please forgive the serious lack of recent posts. Its just that something has come up that has taken a great amount of time and energy from our creative endeavors. The Beatles once faced a similar situation with the addition of John Lennon's love, Yoko Ono. Wanting to spend every waking minute with John Lennon, she soon became an annoyance and then the frustration that led to the eventual downfall of the most famous rock group of all time. So, if you are disappointed in our lack of posts, blame Bryan's girlfriend.
Note from the Editor: This blog is intended to be humorous in nature. Negative remarks about Bryan's girlfriend are not to be taken seriously. She is a wonderful human being and we are thrilled to see them together. Everyone needs their own Yoko Ono.

"Barack" wants Change!

Our roommate Michael, commonly referred to as "Barack," wants change, and he wants it now. Its not the economical mess, or the war, or health care, or foreign relations that has him worried. It's hairstyles. Michael thinks that two eligible bachelors need two stylish cuts. In a recent press conference "Barack" told reporters that Tanner's neatly parted hair "should only be worn by 50 year old men" and that Bryan's frontward spike "resembles the Statue of Liberty." These and other statements have caused no small stir among Conservatives and Liberals alike.
Republican Presidential Candidate, Mitt Romney, a long-time supporter of parted hair, countered Barack with this statement: "People from both political parties have long recognized that [hair] without [a part] creates negative incentives that lead to permanent poverty. It robs people of self-esteem."
The heated debate continues, but only one side will win. So, we ask the American people, is it time for change?