Friday, February 22, 2013

Ask Ethel- How to Win a Man

Take advice from Ethel, a good Christian Jew

Note from the editor: Ethel Epstein is a native of New Jersey who started writing this advice column in 1973. Since then she has helped countless people with her quick wit, concrete principles, and no-nonsense approach. After several requests we have added her column to the blog. It helps if you read with a New Jersey accent.

Dear Ethel,
   I have been a reader of your column since I was a little girl. I appreciate all the advice you've given over the years. Right now I'm trying to get the attention of a guy, but he doesn't seem to be interested. What do you think I should do?
-Lonely in London

Dear Lonely,
   Hon, (or should I say Lon?) you don't need a man to complete you. Trust me, I'm 42 years old and I've never ever touched a man. Seriously,  I am a wholesome woman who has never been polluted by such a primitive animalistic betrayal of principle.  I've been called the Mother Theresa of Jersey, because she too was unmarried (they also call me the Marilyn Monroe of Bingo night, but I'm not sure why). You probably won't reach that level of sainthood but you can always try.

You might ask,"Well what about children?" Let me tell you, my oldest child was born in 1960 and since that day he has never once complained that I was not enough of a parent for him, nor have any of the others. You will be just fine carrying on without a male. Though I will admit, they are nice on the eyes.... very nice.... you know I met Clark Gable at a bar once (though I've never tasted a drop of liquor!)... but that's a different story entirely.

Listen sister, if this so-called guy, isn't interested in you it's because A) he is blind or B) he is not blind and you need to work on your presentation skills. My website has a whole entire page dedicated to wooing a man with your appearance. I have personally tested each of the methods with 120% success rates.

Catching most men is like catching a disease. However, some men are decent and winning them is like winning the lottery (which I have one twice, though I've never gambled). Remember, a man is a natural hunter; he does not like being hunted. Let him come to you. In the mean time, fix yourself up, get into shape (there is a  picture of my hourglass figure on my website) find yourself a passion (men like women who have their own interests), develop your talents, work hard at your job or in school (I only went to the 8th grade yet I am successful because I'm a hard worker), and make food (I've baited many a man with my banana cream pies. Hey, nothing wrong with a little tasty treat to catch his attention). Avoid excessive giggling, saying inappropriate or rude things, dressing like a vamp, or wearing too much makeup. A real man wants a real woman not a girl or a flapper.

It's no use pining for a man who is not interested in you. Trust me, I used to swoon for John Fitzgerald Kennedy, and though we had several encounters I never could get him to see me as I saw me (in fact, after the restraining order I couldn't get him to see me at all). So, I left him behind. Now he is gone and I am still here. We all know who made the right decision.

Ethel Epstein is a mother, cosmetician, fashionista, Christian, Jew, Bingo player, 2 time winner of the New Jersey State Lottery, and athlete (Gin Rummy). Questions to "Ask Ethel" may be posted in the comments section of this article.


  1. Oh Tanner you got me again. I had a hard time reading this because I was laughing so hard that I couldn't read. I love it!! This advice is going to help me get a man...or be fine without one.

  2. That is the most grotesque picture ha ha. LOVE this post. Ethel should come on your blog more often.