Ballad of the Tele-Surveyer

As many of you know, I, Tanner Michael Gilliland Esq., currently work at a call center doing telephone surveys. Much of my time is spent simply waiting for people to answer the phone. Ergo, I have lots of time to get the creative juices flowing. The words of this parody came to me as I labored last saturday in the call center. I'm going to give you guys a heads up. There's a line that says "And now my PR is a crying shame." PR is Productivity Rate which is basically how many surveys you do per hour. Since you get paid better if you do more surveys per hour, you learn to dislike when people take forever to do surveys. I've heard that if you have to explain a joke then it isn't funny. If that is true, then I have successfully un-funnied that joke.

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Why We Haven't Blogged: Yoko Oh No!

Please forgive the serious lack of recent posts. Its just that something has come up that has taken a great amount of time and energy from our creative endeavors. The Beatles once faced a similar situation with the addition of John Lennon's love, Yoko Ono. Wanting to spend every waking minute with John Lennon, she soon became an annoyance and then the frustration that led to the eventual downfall of the most famous rock group of all time. So, if you are disappointed in our lack of posts, blame Bryan's girlfriend.
Note from the Editor: This blog is intended to be humorous in nature. Negative remarks about Bryan's girlfriend are not to be taken seriously. She is a wonderful human being and we are thrilled to see them together. Everyone needs their own Yoko Ono.

"Barack" wants Change!

Our roommate Michael, commonly referred to as "Barack," wants change, and he wants it now. Its not the economical mess, or the war, or health care, or foreign relations that has him worried. It's hairstyles. Michael thinks that two eligible bachelors need two stylish cuts. In a recent press conference "Barack" told reporters that Tanner's neatly parted hair "should only be worn by 50 year old men" and that Bryan's frontward spike "resembles the Statue of Liberty." These and other statements have caused no small stir among Conservatives and Liberals alike.
Republican Presidential Candidate, Mitt Romney, a long-time supporter of parted hair, countered Barack with this statement: "People from both political parties have long recognized that [hair] without [a part] creates negative incentives that lead to permanent poverty. It robs people of self-esteem."
The heated debate continues, but only one side will win. So, we ask the American people, is it time for change?

Don't Shingle Me Out

This is a post that pleads for equal rights for those who have been affected in any way shape or form by the dreaded illness, The Shingles. Don't shingle these people out! Don't give them one shingle disgusted look. Don't make one shingle comment about the need for a Shingles Ward. These people have been hurt enough! They don't need one shingle thing to make them hurt more than they already do.

The is the one shingle photo that our editor allowed us to take of him during his bout with Shingles. His girlfriend left him after this ordeal. He is currently shingle.

Those who comment on this post will be entered into a drawing to receive a shingle tee shirt:


Please, be considerate of those who suffer through the shingles.

The Bull Elk Phenomenon

As promised this blog will help people understand college life a little better. What we would like to talk about now is what we refer to as the Bull Elk Phenomenon. Males of every species have many things in common. But the relationship between the bull elk and the Man have a fascinating similarity. Wikipedia teaches us this about bull elk:
"Male elk have large antlers which are shed each year. Males also engage in ritualized mating behaviors during the rut, including posturing, antler wrestling (sparring), and bugling, a loud series of vocalizations which establishes dominance over other males and attracts females."
Post mission life is very similar. Returned missionaries are all thinking about one thing: marriage. And they know that all the other RMs are thinking about the same thing. So they begin to establish dominance, and this is what we call the Bull Elk Phenomenon.
It starts with the donning of duds that are a little too small in order to maintain perfect muscle exposure and hairdos resembling that of Justin Beiber (though they all claim that he is far below them). To elk these are their seasonally changing antlers.
Next comes bugling. Loud, obnoxious jabber that is some how supposed to woo a woman into complete and utter attraction. This can also be used toward other inferior males to... well to show them that they really are inferior. Posturing occurs when a dominant male places himself in a situation where he can be seen in all his masculine glory, perhaps on top of his new mustang, or playing guitar under a nice shady tree, or scoring a touchdown right as the female passes by, or perhaps beating a smaller inferior elk in a sparring match. It is important to note that any and all opposition to these bull elk behaviors will result in antler sparring which is by no means fun for the losing party (which are usually the type of elk who weigh a meager buck twenty-five or have recently come down with the Shingles).
A university campus is a large forest just full of bull elk. When encountering a bull elk remember that he, like most animals, is actually more scared of you than you are of him. His efforts for dominance should be considered merely a result of natural instinct. in most cases its better just to ignore them.

Welcome to Room 101

To everyone who has aksed the question, "Where are Tanner and Bryan?" the answer comes: BYU-Idaho. The next sequence of blog posts will be brought to you from apartment # 101 where you will get the real scoop on college life.

Mission Addresses

If you would like to write Elder Fleming or Elder Gilliland, their addresses are listed here.

Elder Fleming

MTC Address:

Elder Bryan William Fleming
Missouri Independence Mission
Provo Missionary Training Center
2005 N 900 E
Provo, UT 84604

Mission Address

Elder Bryan William Fleming
Missouri Independence Mission
517 W Walnut st
Independence, MO 64050-3632
Provo, UT 84604

Elder Gilliland

MTC Address:

Elder Tanner Michael Gilliland
Brazil Joao Pessoa Mission
Brazil Missionary Training Center
Rua Padre Antonio D'Angelo 121
Casa Verde
02516-040 Sao Paulo SP
Brazil

Mission Address

Elder Tanner Michael Gilliland
Joao Pessoa Mission
R. Deputado Jose Mariz, 515
Tambauzinho
Joao Pessoa-PB, 58042-020
BRAZIL

I Think We Got a Job

We are unemployed. That's all there is to it. We aren't earning income and we aren't making a living. Businesses just wouldn't hire two guys who were leaving in a couple months. I can't blame them.
For weeks we've been wondering how we could earn some cash. We've done a few odd jobs here and there, but still no substantial income. Then, the answer came. You see, we happen to know two small business tycoons who have a total monopoly on the neighborhood. What do they do you might ask? They are in the golf and beverage industries.
That's right, golf and beverage. Who are the tycoons? None other than our young siblings, Mason and Tess. Mason fishes golf balls out of the pond and sells them to golfers while Tess sells lemonade. Together they can pull in a hundred bucks a day! That's more than our combined tips at the golf course.
So how do we earn money this summer? We go to work for Mason and Tess.

Bryan's Song

After Bryan left, I felt a tribute video was in order.
No he didn't leave on his mission. He went to California.

Wookie Errors and Jumanji

Have you ever made a mistake, only to hear coming from an onlooker's mouth the words, "Rookie error?" Now imagine if you made a mistake a hundred times worse? What would the onlooker say then? Chances are they would say, "Wookie Error!"
Wookie errors take their name from the hairy creatures from star wars that are known for their incredible strength and touchy temperament. A wookie error is like a rookie error, but worse; it usually involves accidentally hurting someone or something. For example: You go to put your arm around someone and you jab their eye with your elbow. Wookie Error!
Or how about the time the Stake President, after renewing someone's recommend, told them to go rip up the old one into 50 pieces and the person obediently did, only to find out they had shredded their son's recommend? Wookie error!
We all make wookie errors now and then. We accidentally knock down displays at the grocery store. We bash in our friend's car door while backing out the van. We pull out favorite plants thinking they are weeds. Wookie errors happen. Just try not to let them happen all the time.
Feel free to share a wookie error from your life.


In other news, we have discovered the origin of the swine flu. We were watching Jumanji and we observed that at the end of the movie two girls found the game. They must have opened it and started to play. Herein lies the explanation of the swine flu. One of the girls must have rolled the dice and read this message:

"Looks like you've rolled
the number two.
Have lots of fun
With the swine flu."

The swine flu will go away when those two girls finish playing the game... which we hope happens soon. I mean, according to the movie, they've been playing since the nineties. Hurry up already