Friday, January 25, 2013

TannerG: It's more than energy

From the brilliant mind of Sterling "The Yellow Dart" Smith comes:

       Do you fall asleep in class or work? Are you feeling drained and fatigued? Do you need energy ASAP but can't seem to get it? You don't need energy, you need TannerG! This isn't your average "swallow and wallow" energy drink that leaves you buzzed for an hour and then sends you crashing into physical and emotional despair; this is a science tested energy enhancer that will give you hulk-like energy for up to 15 days... and then will send you crashing into physical and emotional despair! TannerG's patented method of temporarily restructuring your DNA will give you energy like you've never had before!

       TannerG is a proven product capable of giving you stimulation beyond your wildest dreams. Seriously. Beyond wildest dreams. Every can contains at least one ounce of Tanner's own sweat, blood and tears. From the sleek black can to the delicious taste (most taste testers agreed that "it tastes just like a penny!") you are going to love TannerG. For only $6.99 a can, you can fundamentally transform your world into a speeding rocket of fast-motion power.

        For a mere $14.00 we will give you double, that's right, DOUBLE the amount of TannerG. That's a deal you can't find at the store. If you aren't satisfied with TannerG then put it in your car. That's right, 1 cup of TannerG is the equivalent of 3 gallons of diesel fuel. 

        TannerG hasn't yet been tested on humans, but the results have been stunning on our animal test subjects. All 24 of our test rats showed increased activity of up to 8,000%. Unfortunately all of them died within minutes of consumption due to circumstances totally unrelated to the experiment. (We assume it was old age. Who is our rat supplier and how do we go about suing them for providing faulty old rats?) Allegations that the rat deaths are somehow connected to drinking TannerG are simply a Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc, absolute poppycock. 

Do not drink TannerG if you have been diagnosed with or ever been under the vague suspicion that you might have problems relating to the brain, heart, stomach, lungs, intestines, skin, pancreas, appendix, foot, elbow, chin, or self esteem. Drinking TannerG may cause ulcers, aneurisms, cardiac arrest, pulmonary failure, cancer, rapid chest hair growth, fingernail sensitivity, blindness, tone-deafness, blood clots, stroke, paralyzation, loss of teeth, mood swings, depression, seizures, vomiting, gout, scurvy, and acne. Tanner and Bryan are not legally responsible for any accidents that may occur while drinking TannerG.


  1. It was all starting to sound pretty good until that last part.....

  2. As long as explosive diarrhea is not one of the side effects.

  3. Sorry Race, unfortunately that is one of the side effects but if we had put that in the ad we would have gone over the FDA's legal limit for side effects.