Tuesday, May 5, 2009

It's Back!

Alert Alert! There is a spreading epidemic more dangerous and more contagious than swine flu! It's called "The Jenkins" and it is back in full fury on college campuses around the globe.

We first became aware of the Jenkins last semester around finals time. Once finals were over, students began building up immunities to the Jenkins, but now that the school year is almost over, the Jenkins has come back with extreme vengeance!

Our scientific research and treatment team has already diagnosed over 173 cases. Only 30 of those were diagnosed quickly enough to receive prescribed treatment. It is important that you are aware of the Jenkins, both for your sake and for your loved ones. Remember, there are several symptoms of the Jenkins. It is important to watch for these symptoms so you can receive or recommend help:

-Severe Anxiety
-Constantly being on the brink of tears
-Random blurting out of memorized information
-Inability to do simple mathematical equations
-Pacing in circles
-Incessant muttering and mumbling
-Using teachers' names like swear words
-Inexplicable fear of every-day tasks
-Loud outbursts of phrases like: "Don't touch my homework!", "When you do math you have to talk to yourself!", "I'm not on the Jenkins!" "I stared at my calculator til my eyes had a seizure." "I've been in the library for fourteen straight hours and I'm still going to fail!!!", "I have to... gum.. ghojackontipskqueik."

If you have the Jenkins it is vital that you stay calm. Don't try to focus on too many things at once. Only worry about one thing at a time. Stay positive. You can succeed.

If you have any further questions contact us at the GilliFlem Student Practice located in E 3D.

WARNING: Do not startle any Samoans who you suspect might have the Jenkins!

P.S. Happy Cinco De Mayo. The cafeteria celebrated by putting a picture of Italian folk dancers on the milk dispenser


  1. Ahhh yess the Jekins is in full force on campus. haha I love the picture

  2. Those dancers aren't Italian, they're Half-Mexican...don't mistake us for Italian!

  3. Oh thank you! Now I can keep an eye out for those poor souls and know what I'm looking for... :) You have done the education world a great favor.

    P.S. Those might be the greatest Cinco de Mayo stickers I have ever seen. ....Yup, they are! Gotta love EAC!

  4. What a terrifying plague on our society! Luckily finals are almost over and all our dear friends have survived.

    By the way, what is the prescribed treatment for The Jenkins?

  5. oh the Italians and their Cinco de Mayo. Or rather, how Hussain Obama put it, Cinco de Quatro (trying to make a joke about how he was celebrating it on the 4th, but little did he know he replaced the word May rather than 5th.) HA HA! And they gave Bush a hard time.

  6. also, I decided one of the two of you need a facebook, for contact purposes of course.