Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Alert Alert! There is a spreading epidemic more dangerous and more contagious than swine flu! It's called "The Jenkins" and it is back in full fury on college campuses around the globe.
We first became aware of the Jenkins last semester around finals time. Once finals were over, students began building up immunities to the Jenkins, but now that the school year is almost over, the Jenkins has come back with extreme vengeance!
Our scientific research and treatment team has already diagnosed over 173 cases. Only 30 of those were diagnosed quickly enough to receive prescribed treatment. It is important that you are aware of the Jenkins, both for your sake and for your loved ones. Remember, there are several symptoms of the Jenkins. It is important to watch for these symptoms so you can receive or recommend help:
-Constantly being on the brink of tears
-Random blurting out of memorized information
-Inability to do simple mathematical equations
-Pacing in circles
-Incessant muttering and mumbling
-Using teachers' names like swear words
-Inexplicable fear of every-day tasks
-Loud outbursts of phrases like: "Don't touch my homework!", "When you do math you have to talk to yourself!", "I'm not on the Jenkins!" "I stared at my calculator til my eyes had a seizure." "I've been in the library for fourteen straight hours and I'm still going to fail!!!", "I have to... gum.. ghojackontipskqueik."
If you have the Jenkins it is vital that you stay calm. Don't try to focus on too many things at once. Only worry about one thing at a time. Stay positive. You can succeed.
If you have any further questions contact us at the GilliFlem Student Practice located in E 3D.
WARNING: Do not startle any Samoans who you suspect might have the Jenkins!
P.S. Happy Cinco De Mayo. The cafeteria celebrated by putting a picture of Italian folk dancers on the milk dispenser