Often referred to as the War that Birthed a Nation, the so-called "American Revolution" has puzzled historians and layman alike. "There are just too many loose ends," says Dr. Scott Herpich's, professor and author of the book, American Revo-TRUE-tion, "Things just don't add up."
One of Herpich's key criticisms is the lack of any photographical evidence. "What kind of war takes place without a single picture being taken? I mean, even the Pope has taken a selfie. You're trying to tell me that old George W (not Bush) never had three seconds to take a picture? It's more likely that the man we call George Washington was the evolved combination of Native American legends mixed with European values, and not the actual political hero we make him out to be. It is also probable that the idea of General George Washington was perpetuated by the Continental Congress as a way of unifying the American people."
With no photographical evidence, researchers have turned to paintings in hopes of unraveling the tapestry of deceit.
A close examination of the famed "Washington Crossing the Delaware" reveal shocking details about the conspiracies surrounding "the war." Look closely at Washington's hat. Invisible to the casual observer is the symbol of the All-Seeing-Eye above the uncompleted pyramid embroidered in "Washington's" hat. Clearly, if there ever was a man by the name of George Washington, he was a servant of the Illuminati. It's no wonder that America was referred to as the New World, if Washington himself was a symbol of the New World Order.
Another perusal of the painting reveals what many scientists have been saying for years, that there was no ice on the Delaware River when "Washington" purportedly crossed it. Almost imperceptible to the naked eye, is an incriminating revelation. Written on the "ice," is the name, Fake Ice Inc, the largest manufacturer of fake ice in Northern America. For years, critics have speculated about unlawful ties between this monster corporation and corrupt government officials. Stock reports from that period mark a significant jump in Fake Ice Inc. stock just hours before the river was "crossed." It is interesting to note that Fake Ice products were found at the scene of both the Lincoln and Tupac assassinations.
Perhaps the most disturbing revelation from this painting is the evidence that exposes extra-terrestrial influence. When researchers zoomed into a small dot in the corner of the painting they discovered what appears to a metallic unidentified flying saucer. This may be the first documented case of alien influence in the American government. Since that time, various public officials have sought to maintain positive relations with the extra-terrestrials by legislating fairer treatment of illegal aliens.
Though ivory tower scholars have labelled Herpich and his colleagues as conspiracy theorists, kooks, and Chinese, a recently-discovered artifact proves the conspiracies to be true. This letter, found on the internet, appears to be written from King George of England to George Washington (or rather, to the idea of Washington):
This document offers irrefutable evidence that the Revolutionary War was a complete hoax imposed on the American people as a way of feeding the War Machine and the Illuminati elites that profited therefrom.
Though proof is undeniable, there are some who choose to cling to the false notions about the Revolutionary War that have been maintained for 200 years. "There are too many corrupt sources of information nowadays. It's almost impossible to learn the truth," says Herpich. "Just goes to show, you shouldn't believe everything you read on the internet."
