The Boot

Anyone who has ever thought they could park in a parking lot without a permit has more than likely seen there car get booted. Thinking about this ruthless booting phenomenon, I realized how funny it would be if they did the same thing to loiterers.

TANNER and BRYAN 2012

After seeing such confusion in the Republican Party, we have decided to throw our hat into the political ring and run for President and Vice President. Let's face it America, we need real change, not the empty promises of corrupt career politicians. We need a presidential ticket capable of dethroning Obama. We need Tanner and Bryan.
We are not politicians. We are just average citizens determined to give America what it deserves. We believe that we have what it takes. A national poll covering Arizona and Idaho reports that we have at least 31 supporters, 3 of which reportedly read our blog more than once a year. With this kind of grassroots support, we will certainly be a force to be reckoned with.

Now we would like to highlight some of the proposed platform policies

National Defense:
We are THE ONLY candidates who are willing and able to prepare America for the imminent threat of a Zombie Apocalypse. It is for this purpose that as President and Vice President we will name Chuck Norris head of the Department of National Security. He will grant each citizen a chainsaw and training dvds so that they will be prepared when danger is at hand.

Illegal Immigration: "Can'tada: Keep them Out!"

Many candidates have discussed the "problems" with illegal Mexican immigration (as if they didn't appreciate genuine Mexican tacos) but they have failed to address the most devious of illegal immigrants: Canadians. They look like us, they sound like us, but they are not U.S. Our "Can'tada: Keep Them Out" program will not only round up (with the use of state-of-the-art Maple syrup traps) and drive out any and all illegal Canadian immigrants (an estimated 3/ year), it will also prohibit Canadians from entering the country legally to steal our jobs, swamp our hockey teams, and propagandize us with their evil socialist agendas. We will continue to strengthen our border security by employing our controversial 2nd Amendment Right to Arm Bears.

Economy: the 5-5-5 Plan (Not to be confused with Herman Cain's 9-9-9 Plan)
This plan is centered around the Domino's 5-5-5 Deal that offers 3 Medium pizzas for only $5 a piece. We believe that an effort by the federal government to encourage taxpayers to take advantage of this deal will result in less spending on more expensive pizza. Less spending= more money in taxpayers' pockets.

Taxes
We propose to cut taxes on everyone under the age of 60. Elderly citizens above the age of 60 will have a tax increase of 40%. Why? Old people have had their whole lives to save money. That's why you always see old people living in big houses and driving fancy cars. Tell us of a college student who owns a Porsche and we will change our policy. They are going to find something to gripe about anyway.

Election Reform

Knowing how hard and terribly inconvenient it is to go down to a public meeting place to vote, we will reform the elections to a "text-in-your-vote" system. This method has proven 100% effective in important American democratic processes like "American Idol."

These are only a few of the important changes that we will make as President and Vice President of the United States of America. In the comments section you will be free to pledge your support and offer monetary contributions that will be used to pay this semester's rent
We are Tanner and Bryan and we approve of this message.

This campaign is been generously endorsed by Chuck Testa, the late Billy Mays, the Animal Kingdom, and Math.

How BYU-I Could Guarantee Marriage

All the ancient prophets from Isaac to Moses knew the secret to finding a wife. A close look at their love stories reveals a common denominator, a key if you will, to encountering an eternal soul mate. By recreating the same scenario on campus, BYU-I could guarantee that its students find a wife worthy of their love. The answer is simple. They need to build a well.

ISAAC

"And [the servant of Isaac] made his camels to kneel down without the city by a well of water ... even the time that women go out to draw water.

"And he said, O Lord God... Behold, I stand here by the well of water; and the daughters of the men of the city come out to draw water:

"And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master.

"And it came to pass, before he had done speaking, that, behold, Rebekah came out.. with her pitcher upon her shoulder.

"And the damsel was very fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her: and she went down to the well, and filled her pitcher, and came up. And the servant ran to meet her, and said, Let me, I pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher. And she said, Drink, my lord: and she hasted, and let down her pitcher upon her hand, and gave him drink.

"And when she had done giving him drink, she said, I will draw water for thy camels also, until they have done drinking."

And in the end: "Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her." (Genesis 24)

JACOB

"And [Jacob] looked, and behold a well in the field... and a great stone was upon the well’s mouth... And Jacob said unto them, My brethren, whence be ye? And they said, Of Haran are we...

And while he yet spake with them, Rachel came with her father’s sheep: for she kept them....

And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel... [he] went near, and rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother’s brother.

And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept." (Genesis 29:2-11)

MOSES

"Moses fled from the face of Pharaoh, and dwelt in the land of Midian: and he sat down by a well.

"Now the priest of Midian had seven daughters: and they came and drew water, and filled the troughs to water their father’s flock.

"And the shepherds came and drove them away: but Moses stood up and helped them, and watered their flock. And when they came to Reul their father, he said, How is it that ye are come so soon to day?

"And they said, An Egyptian delivered us out of the hand of the shepherds, and also drew water enough for us, and watered the flock.

"And he said unto his daughters, And where is he? why is it that ye have left the man? call him, that he may eat bread.

"And Moses was content to dwell with the man: and he gave Moses Zipporah his daughter."

Just think, no more awkward first dates. No more senseless mind games. No more expensive dinners to pay for. If only we had a well....