We're Not Doctors But...

We have a peculiar knack for accurate diagnoses. After exhaustive testing, keen observation, and countless hours of recording and analyzing data, we have come to the expert conclusion that there is an extreme case of SSFSS (Severe Stress From School Syndrome), commonly known as The Jenkins, rampant on campus. Our colleagues inform us that this syndrome is not confined to this campus alone, but is prevalent in many institutions of education around the world. Here is an excerpt from our scientific journal:
Monday, November 24
Test subject is rolling around the room. She(or he. We don't disclose the identity of our test subjects without written consent) is perpetually switching from an exceedingly giddy mood into a lugubrious stupor. The subject is always on the brink of tears, not particularly out of sorrow, but from the overwhelming feeling of inability to meet the demands of a rigorous schedule. Subject is very jumpy and scares very easily. Subject is aware of the need to do homework. Subject apparently finds doing homework impossible. Subject is overwhelmed by a clicking noise coming from subject's computer. Subject is getting frantic because too many people are trying to talk. End Journal.

Chances are that until this semester ends, you may see someone you love with The Jenkins. You can recognize the Jenkins by these common symptoms:

-restlessness
-severe lack of sleep
-overemotional
-extreme elation followed by extreme sadness
-feeling overwhelmed
-unfocusing or bloodshot eyes
-spontaneous spewing of memorized information
-fingernail sensitivity
-fear of getting called the wrong name
-Reading without comprehension
-Inability to do mathematical equations