B&T's Guide to Surviving a Public Restroom

   We as humans may be divided economically, politically, racially, intellectually, or a host of other "ally's" but there are a few key attributes that unite us. One of these common denominators is our need to release the byproducts of our digestive system. All mankind, rich or poor, educated or ignorant, black or white, bond or free must at some time (usually about once a day) harken to the call of mother nature and in the most vulnerable and exposed of positions, excrete the leftovers of his daily intake.
    Now we won't assume the position of John Madden, giving a play-by-play commentary about the Browns at the Superbowl. We will however, bring certain enlightenment to a certain "necessary evil:" that of using a public restroom. These tips are meant to educate those who wish upon themselves a minimal amount of collateral social damage that so often plagues our public restrooms.

Here are our Top Ten Tips of using a public restroom:

"Be a thinker not a stinker." -Ms. Knotts

1) Avoid using a public restroom at all costs. It's better to seek a throne within your own kingdom.

2) If  you know in advance that circumstances will require you to use a public restroom on a certain day, be sure to wear your most inconspicuous pants and shoes. I once made the mistake of wearing bowling shoes and corduroy pants. Big mistake! Trust me, you do not want to stand out when you are sitting down. Heaven forbid anyone take notice of your cool shoes and then remember them later when they see you passing in the halls.

3) Find a restroom as far from human traffic as possible. I'm sure Robert Frost would agree that taking the bath[room] less trodden by truly makes all the difference in this case. Besides having minimal chance of human interaction (which is the most desirable goal when using a public restroom) low-key lavatories also tend to be cleaner.

4) Remember that you never want to be caught standing still in a bathroom. If you walk in and see all the toilets in use, act like you only wanted to wash your hands. Then scrub those mitts as fast as you can and skedaddle! Remember the motto, "No John? Be gone!"

5) Don't talk to anyone. Ever. I don't care if you see your best friend or Denzel Washington. Don't you dare start a conversation, especially while they or you are in the act of self-relief. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY wants any business while they are doing their business. Few other social atrocities are more heinous than striking up a conversation in the bathroom.

6) Be wise when choosing where to sit. The same concern that goes into buying a home should be apparent in the stall selection process. What will the environment be like? Who will your neighbors be? Is it safe? Is there a lot of traffic? Will you have your privacy? What special features might it include? (i.e. motion sensor in place of the button or lever, air freshener, seat covers, two way paper dispensers etc.)

7) ALWAYS check to make sure there is toilet paper BEFORE you sit. This principle cannot be stressed enough. No ghastly vision of hell and its fiery demons could strike as much panic into the human heart as finding oneself in a public toilet with no paper. I've heard stories... terrible terrible stories...

8) If they are provided, always use the handy seat covers. If your stall of choice does not provide covers, there is nothing wrong with building a nest of toilet paper. You gotta do what you gotta do when you do what you do. (a doodoo joke? What am I, six years old?)

9) Avoid making physical contact with anything. Call me a germaphobe; I don't care. I empathize with Jerry Seinfeld who once tossed out a belt just because it touched the side of the urinal. In a public restroom the paper is free (which might be why you are there in the first place) so use it up. In lieu of an automatic flushing loo, use your foot on the lever. Don't touch that thing. You know people are touching it with their hands and you know where their hands have been.

10) Listen and be conscious of activity in the rest of the bathroom. You want to be able to time your exit when there are as few people present as possible, or ideally when the room is vacant. Listen for audible cues like faucets, hand dryers, flushing, the rummaging sounds of others groping for paper, and the main door opening or closing. If there is someone in the stall next to you do not, I repeat, DO NOT leave at the same time. Don't feel above playing the waiting game. Just don't wait too long. After all, someone might have noticed you go in the bathroom and when you leave they could think, "Man, he sure was in there a long time." 

We hope these tips have been helpful. The subject may seem taboo, but the more information you are privy to, the more successful you'll be in life and in the privy too. (I totally didn't even plan for that to rhyme)

Free Lunch and the Mary Kay Cult

Every college student should know the art of getting free lunch (don't tell me there's no such thing). If you've never sat through a Pest Control recruiting meeting just for the free pizza, you aren't being resourceful enough.

Does it seem low and cheap? Perhaps. But Pest Control and Student Support meetings are nothing compared to the low level that I stooped to last week. In this tell-all article I will explain how my search for sustenance led me to one of the most bizarre cults of our time: Mary Kay.

It all started when I was approached by a friend who was recently initiated into the Pink Persuasion. She offered me pizza to  listen to the Mary Kay Business Plan (their equivalent of the 1st Discussion). Being the sucker for free food that I am, I agreed, never imagining what I would witness there.
 Different sects give different names to their meetings. Some have revivals, others have masses, Mary Kay has parties. While men are technically allowed at these parties, they are obviously intended for women. It's kind of like feminine freemasonry. Freemarys? Not-so-free-marys? During the hour long ordeal I became acquainted with some of Mary Kay's secret rituals that may or may not go down in a giant pink pyramid like this one: (on that note, I think that all pyramid schemes should have a real pyramid as their headquarters)

In this segment I would like to outline some of the basic beliefs and practices of the Mary Kay Cult.

MK Cult History
Mary Kay started her cute little cult in the 60's when cultish groups were more popular than the Beatles. But while other cults like the Charles Manson Family and Jonestown ended in disaster, The Cosmetic Cult experienced amazing success and continues to do so to this day.



MK Cult Beliefs and Practices
From what I gathered in my brief brush with beauty is that Mary K-ites have the following beliefs and rituals:

• Mary Kay invented cosmetics and was the first to market them
• Pink is a sacred color that posses mystic powers
• Cult sisters must apply ointments and creams to their bodies in order to become ceremonially cleansed 
• Following in Mary Kay's footsteps will bring untold riches and satisfaction into one's life.
• Mary Kay did not die. She was caught up by a pink Cadillac into the Cosmetic Cosmos where she dwells in eternal beauty surrounded by the most loyal Six Figure Sales Reps.
• Faithful members who invite others to accept the Mary Kay lifestyle are rewarded with gifts ranging from pink jewelry to pink cars. As Mary Kay says on her website: "Behind every success story in Mary Kay, you will find a simple explanation of great faith." Obviously whoever has more faith in Mary Kay will have more success.

 As is generally the case with cults, once you are in it is hard to get out. Some have been successful in leaving, others have not. Entire websites like pinktruth.com seek to expose the secrets of the Pink Pyramid and assist other women "de-pink" their lives.
 One such source has said:

"One of the devices used to achieve mind-numbing compliance with all things Mary Kay was the use of the slogan. We were led down a path of little to no resistance because no matter what ugly objection surfaced in our heads, we had a cancel, cancel, canceling thought that fought back. The slogans shut down our concerns, convicted us of Mary Kay sin, aroused our enthusiasm, and otherwise controlled our thoughts."

I never would have supposed that an empty stomach would have led me to this. I now willingly impart my knowledge to all those who may fall victim to a similar trap. So when someone says to you" Come to Mary Kay," you can smile and say, "no thanks, I'll be on my merry way."

Absolutely Our #1 National Security Threat

When asked if she thought that obesity is the "number one greatest national security threat that we have" Michelle Obama answered, "absolutely."

That's right. Obesity is absolutely our number one security threat. Forget Afghanistan and Yemen and Siria. Saddam and Osama are dead and new evil has risen to take their place.

Domestic obesity attacks have risen 85% in the last 10 years. Hundreds of thousands have suffered at the hands of glorified terrorists like the
 infamous Cookie Monster. He and his co-conspirators are waging a war on the hungry public, and the Obamas are prepared to fight them.

President Obama has promised that he will start his next term by proposing "Weighty Bill" legislation (patterned after Brady Bill) to cut calorie consumption. In 2013 we hope to see Gut Control laws that will:

• Require a license to purchase fast food
• Initiate mandatory exercise programs
• Install government monitored weight scales in every home
• Ban all forks and spoons (as they are accomplices to weight crimes)
• Commence FDA raids to confiscate contraband cuisine (eliminating our shelf defense rights)

According to the newly edited National Defense Authorization Act violators of these laws may be detained without due process (the government's new slogan: "Too Processed= No Due Process"). Habeus corpus, a latin phrase meaning "you have the body," no longer means a right to fair trial. Rather, it means "you have the body... and that's why you're going to jail." From now on it's guilty until proven skinnycent (okay, that pun was a stretch).

Once detained, criminals will be forced to eat tofu for every meal and participate in punitive exercise sessions led by none other than Richard Simons. We can't do enough to keep America safe.

By Brigham's Beard

When I was young I used my mother's eyeliner to draw a goatee on my face. Why? Because my heroes- General Custer, Walker Texas Ranger, every character from scripturedom, and many others had facial hair. Even as a small child I made the connection that facial hair meant true manhood.                         As I grew I waited for a beard like a youngster waits for Santa. However, my beard proved to be less real than the legendary arctic-dwelling bearded philanthropist. My beard never came. My sideburns did (what a blessing), but no beard.

This summer I tried an experiment. I lived my facial fantasy through another. Yes, I convinced Bryan to grow a beard. At first it was exhilarating, but soon it was depressing. It didn't help that we live in a college town whose mascot is a lumberjack, the most stereotypically bearded icon of all time. My dream soon became a relentless nightmare.

Feeling down I began to ponder why God didn't give me a beard. Surely He must understand this longing of my heart....or chin. Then, in a revelatory moment, it dawned on me. I don't have a beard because I am supposed to be at BYU-I. Beards are banned at BYU-I (which is ironic since the school is the namesake of a great bearded leader). God knows that if I had the choice between a beard and BYU-I, I would probably choose the beard (Don't judge me). I suppose this is an application of 1 Corinthians 10:13 which says that God "will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able." 

So now I sit here, stroking my stubbleless chin in a pensive fashion, feeling as if one of life's greatest mysteries has been unfolded to me. Though the seemingly endless opportunities provided by well groomed facial hair may not be mine, maybe, just maybe, there is something more for me because of it. 

"I have a beard and I've never been happier." -Bryan Fleming. 

 

                                                      

Gilliland Kids Say the Darndest Things

Here is a list of gems taken from my mom's journal that she kept for us when we were kids:

Mom: "Dax, do you have a dirty diaper?"
Dax (age 2): "Nooooo! Tanner did it!"

Tanner: These covers are so warm and cozy. It's made out of coze right?

Mom: Is Mommy's baby a boy or a girl?
Jade: A grandma!

Ronnie (age 3): Mommy....for some reason I went to Grandma's house.

Mason: When is Jesus coming down? I want him to tell us. How come he's not going to tell us? He can't stay up there forever!

Tess (when asked to take her diaper off and throw it away): But mom, then I'll have a bum!

Dax: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Shooting my bow
Dax: Why?
Dad: So I can shoot a deer
Dax: Why?
Dad: We eat the deer. We make hamburgers and steaks and other good things from deer.
Dax: Do you shoot trees?
Dad: No. Why?
Dax: Cause we eat apples

Tanner: Do you know who I love most in this family? Heavenly Father, Jesus, the Holy Ghost, and Ronnie.

Ronnie: I know what these are.....[taps the side of her head as she tries to remember].....ummm... I skipped my thing.
Dad [laughing]: Yeah, I've skipped my thing lots of times.

Jade: If you didn't have bones you would be skinny, huh?

Mason: Police aren't bad...they just put us in jail if we are screaming loud.

Dax: Dad this frog is talking to me!
Dad: What is he saying?
Dax (rolling his eyes): Ribbit!

Ronnie: Can I change my birthday?

Dax: We wear shoes so our socks don't get dirty

Mason: Does everybody love their right hand? I just love my right hand. My left hand can't do anything.

Mom: How will you remember that?
Dax: I'll tape it in my head!

Tess (talking to Brent in his crib): Remember when this was my bed when I was two? Then Jesus helped me turn three.

Dax: If the Book of Mormon is about people who lived in America, then the Bible is about people who lived in where? Florida?

Dax (to Mom and Dad): Stop the kissing and the hugging! Why do boys always have to fall in love with girls?! I hate that! I hate that situation!

Dax: Do you know why legs are important? So we can climb trees.
Tanner: Yeah, and get fruit. We couldn't get none fruit if we didn't have any legs.

Mormon Humor

PFOTW: Gilliland's Island

Couldn't pass this one up.

Steak Perfume: A sarcastic commentary on immodesty

    Girl, if your best tactic for catching a man's attention is booty shorts and low cut shirts, then this product is for you.
    You, dear girl, have discovered the well-known fact that men are only a step above primates (the step up being that they can work a power drill...which I think an ape might be able to do with some training). Yes, men are just like the savage animals who, to wax scriptural, walk after the carnal lusts of the flesh. They care for nothing but sex, food, sports, and Harrison Ford movies.
   You, sweet sister, knowing this great truth have discovered that if you show off some skin, the men can't resist but flock to you like moths to a flame. Yet for some reason your attempts to find a decent man (which is probably impossible considering the aforementioned facts) are all in vain.

Don't discourage my dear. Help is here.

Rather than trying to win a man over with your charm, wit, and virtue (not to mention an over-exaggerated interest in Star Wars) just attack the man's primal instincts on another level: his sense of smell.

No man can resist the tempting scent of a juicy steak still smoking hot from the grill. If your personal bikini display on the apartment lawn is not enticing enough to the savage man, its probably because he can't smell you. Buy a bottle of Steak Perfume today and match a smell to your outfit. No man will be able to resist this blatant bludgeoning of the senses.

Gilliland Ugly Sweater Contest

First Date Kit. If you say it fast it sounds like "First Aid Kit." That's why it's funny

We all know how stressful and potentially awkward first dates can be. Maybe you have bad breath or stale jokes. Whatever your problem with dating may be, the First Date Kit....maybe can help. If anything, the First Date Kit's powerful placebo effect is clinically proven to possibly influence the general feeling of 8% of all dates.

Buy a First Date Kit today and we will throw in another kit entirely 30% free! Don't let your dates suffer any longer!