By Brigham's Beard

When I was young I used my mother's eyeliner to draw a goatee on my face. Why? Because my heroes- General Custer, Walker Texas Ranger, every character from scripturedom, and many others had facial hair. Even as a small child I made the connection that facial hair meant true manhood.                         As I grew I waited for a beard like a youngster waits for Santa. However, my beard proved to be less real than the legendary arctic-dwelling bearded philanthropist. My beard never came. My sideburns did (what a blessing), but no beard.

This summer I tried an experiment. I lived my facial fantasy through another. Yes, I convinced Bryan to grow a beard. At first it was exhilarating, but soon it was depressing. It didn't help that we live in a college town whose mascot is a lumberjack, the most stereotypically bearded icon of all time. My dream soon became a relentless nightmare.

Feeling down I began to ponder why God didn't give me a beard. Surely He must understand this longing of my heart....or chin. Then, in a revelatory moment, it dawned on me. I don't have a beard because I am supposed to be at BYU-I. Beards are banned at BYU-I (which is ironic since the school is the namesake of a great bearded leader). God knows that if I had the choice between a beard and BYU-I, I would probably choose the beard (Don't judge me). I suppose this is an application of 1 Corinthians 10:13 which says that God "will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able." 

So now I sit here, stroking my stubbleless chin in a pensive fashion, feeling as if one of life's greatest mysteries has been unfolded to me. Though the seemingly endless opportunities provided by well groomed facial hair may not be mine, maybe, just maybe, there is something more for me because of it. 

"I have a beard and I've never been happier." -Bryan Fleming. 

 

                                                      

How BYU-I Could Guarantee Marriage

All the ancient prophets from Isaac to Moses knew the secret to finding a wife. A close look at their love stories reveals a common denominator, a key if you will, to encountering an eternal soul mate. By recreating the same scenario on campus, BYU-I could guarantee that its students find a wife worthy of their love. The answer is simple. They need to build a well.

ISAAC

"And [the servant of Isaac] made his camels to kneel down without the city by a well of water ... even the time that women go out to draw water.

"And he said, O Lord God... Behold, I stand here by the well of water; and the daughters of the men of the city come out to draw water:

"And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master.

"And it came to pass, before he had done speaking, that, behold, Rebekah came out.. with her pitcher upon her shoulder.

"And the damsel was very fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her: and she went down to the well, and filled her pitcher, and came up. And the servant ran to meet her, and said, Let me, I pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher. And she said, Drink, my lord: and she hasted, and let down her pitcher upon her hand, and gave him drink.

"And when she had done giving him drink, she said, I will draw water for thy camels also, until they have done drinking."

And in the end: "Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her." (Genesis 24)

JACOB

"And [Jacob] looked, and behold a well in the field... and a great stone was upon the well’s mouth... And Jacob said unto them, My brethren, whence be ye? And they said, Of Haran are we...

And while he yet spake with them, Rachel came with her father’s sheep: for she kept them....

And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel... [he] went near, and rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother’s brother.

And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept." (Genesis 29:2-11)

MOSES

"Moses fled from the face of Pharaoh, and dwelt in the land of Midian: and he sat down by a well.

"Now the priest of Midian had seven daughters: and they came and drew water, and filled the troughs to water their father’s flock.

"And the shepherds came and drove them away: but Moses stood up and helped them, and watered their flock. And when they came to Reul their father, he said, How is it that ye are come so soon to day?

"And they said, An Egyptian delivered us out of the hand of the shepherds, and also drew water enough for us, and watered the flock.

"And he said unto his daughters, And where is he? why is it that ye have left the man? call him, that he may eat bread.

"And Moses was content to dwell with the man: and he gave Moses Zipporah his daughter."

Just think, no more awkward first dates. No more senseless mind games. No more expensive dinners to pay for. If only we had a well....

You might be in Rexburg...

If you have ever described 30 degree weather as "balmy" or "nice out"...
If you've ever been fined for texting in a crosswalk, throwing a snowball, or jaywalking...
If your idea of a good time involves Karaoke Night at your school...
If you've ever worn a mustache to a restaurant to get a discount...
If you've ever gotten wet playing a game of Battleship...

If you've never paid more than $5 for a pizza...

If it's been over a year since you've worn shorts or flip flops...
If you can't take a test in shorts or skinny jeans...

If you refer to your school as "the Lord's University"....

If you've ever seen 7 wedding announcements in one week...
If you have ever felt the Spirit of Ricks...
If you start a discussion about evolution with a prayer...

If you've ever played ultimate frisbee in a snowstorm....
If you've never seen an alcoholic beverage within your city limits...
If you've ever been asked on a date to the gardens...
If you've ever said no to a date in the gardens because you "just aren't ready...."
If going to the mall means driving half an hour to a place called IF...
If you can't park at your friend's apartment without getting booted...
If you know from painful experience that "boots" have nothing to do with footwear
If you associate the names Hinckley, Benson, Snow, and Kimball with buildings...
If you hear bells every day but have never seen a bell tower...
If you have never actually driven through the crossroads...
If your friends are confused as to why you go to an eye center to hear religious devotionals....
If you wear a suit and tie every Tuesday...
If you've ever referred to your walk to your math class as "the trek"...
If you think a Buick is a building, not a car...
If you have ever been engaged after two dates...
If you wait to see movies til they come out in the "cheap theater"...
If you have weekly DTRs...
If you know what a DTR is...
If you can't afford to go to BYU Hawaii...
If BYU Provo denied your application....
....then you might be in Rexburg.

BYU-I Testing Center

Following the recent drama surrounding the BYU-I testing center dress standards where a student was denied entrance for wearing "skinny jeans", the university again takes the national spotlight after reportedly refusing entrance to an ewok. The testing center spokesman denied that the ewok was barred from entrance on account of being an ewok and affirmed that the decision was made because the creature was not currently wearing pants. The only statement released to the press by the ewok was, "Yub nub." Certainly there will be more news to follow.