Ask Ethel- How to Win a Man

Take advice from Ethel, a good Christian Jew

Note from the editor: Ethel Epstein is a native of New Jersey who started writing this advice column in 1973. Since then she has helped countless people with her quick wit, concrete principles, and no-nonsense approach. After several requests we have added her column to the blog. It helps if you read with a New Jersey accent.

Dear Ethel,
   I have been a reader of your column since I was a little girl. I appreciate all the advice you've given over the years. Right now I'm trying to get the attention of a guy, but he doesn't seem to be interested. What do you think I should do?
-Lonely in London

Dear Lonely,
   Hon, (or should I say Lon?) you don't need a man to complete you. Trust me, I'm 42 years old and I've never ever touched a man. Seriously,  I am a wholesome woman who has never been polluted by such a primitive animalistic betrayal of principle.  I've been called the Mother Theresa of Jersey, because she too was unmarried (they also call me the Marilyn Monroe of Bingo night, but I'm not sure why). You probably won't reach that level of sainthood but you can always try.

You might ask,"Well what about children?" Let me tell you, my oldest child was born in 1960 and since that day he has never once complained that I was not enough of a parent for him, nor have any of the others. You will be just fine carrying on without a male. Though I will admit, they are nice on the eyes.... very nice.... you know I met Clark Gable at a bar once (though I've never tasted a drop of liquor!)... but that's a different story entirely.

Listen sister, if this so-called guy, isn't interested in you it's because A) he is blind or B) he is not blind and you need to work on your presentation skills. My website has a whole entire page dedicated to wooing a man with your appearance. I have personally tested each of the methods with 120% success rates.

Catching most men is like catching a disease. However, some men are decent and winning them is like winning the lottery (which I have one twice, though I've never gambled). Remember, a man is a natural hunter; he does not like being hunted. Let him come to you. In the mean time, fix yourself up, get into shape (there is a  picture of my hourglass figure on my website) find yourself a passion (men like women who have their own interests), develop your talents, work hard at your job or in school (I only went to the 8th grade yet I am successful because I'm a hard worker), and make food (I've baited many a man with my banana cream pies. Hey, nothing wrong with a little tasty treat to catch his attention). Avoid excessive giggling, saying inappropriate or rude things, dressing like a vamp, or wearing too much makeup. A real man wants a real woman not a girl or a flapper.

It's no use pining for a man who is not interested in you. Trust me, I used to swoon for John Fitzgerald Kennedy, and though we had several encounters I never could get him to see me as I saw me (in fact, after the restraining order I couldn't get him to see me at all). So, I left him behind. Now he is gone and I am still here. We all know who made the right decision.




Ethel Epstein is a mother, cosmetician, fashionista, Christian, Jew, Bingo player, 2 time winner of the New Jersey State Lottery, and athlete (Gin Rummy). Questions to "Ask Ethel" may be posted in the comments section of this article.

What your mission DIDN'T teach you about dating

"Yes President, I will go home and I will use everything I learned on the mission to get dates and get married." You say it and you mean it. After a final embrace with a man you have looked to as a father, you walk out of the mission office with your head (and its perfectly parted hair) held high. You are ready to move on, out, and up. Time to find my new companion, you think.

Soon you find yourself in a place like Rexburg, Idaho, where meetings about marriage are as common as conversations about the cold climate. And why shouldn't they be? I mean, to the outside observer, this place should be the Valhalla of dating right? 

It's a simple recipe:
Place some 13,000 ripe young single adults into a small mixing bowl.
Pepper them heavily with discourses and lectures about marriage
Let the mix sit in the freezer for 7 months
The result: (almost) instant wedding, and a lot of it!

Voila! It's a concoction that not even an elder can wind up burning..... or can he? Is it possible? Could Elder Superstar, the district leader to end all district leaders, the one who single-handedly taught 100 lessons in one week, the one who led 40 investigators to church through a blizzard, the greatest missionary since Paul, could he, this missionary of missionaries, mess up dating? The overwhelming response from the girls we talk to is "Yes! Very yes!"

But how? Haven't you applied everything you learned on the mission? Haven't you gone forward, armed with confidence, faith, and pristine polished shoes to find that one special girl, "the elect lady" with whom you can spend the rest of eternity? Haven't you done enough? Haven't you given it your all?

Here is something you might want to consider before taking someone out: not everything you learned on the mission translates to dating. Whaaaaaaaat? Buh buh buh, but my mission president said... I know what your mission president said. Mine said almost the same thing, but I don't think either of our presidents intended for us to date exactly like we preached. Certainly there are some timeless principles that can always be applied, but for the sake of your own salvation you must refrain from treating every sister like a potential investigator and every date like a discussion. Sisters if this is not a real problem then I invite you to chime in.

Now Elder,  I know you're used to a rigid structure and a tedious schedule, but things are a little more casual on This Side of Heaven. There is no "Date My Daughter" manual to tell you the perfect formula for dating success. There are, however, a few things that will help you NOT make your dating life a mission impossible. So loosen up the necktie and meditate upon these things:

• Unlike investigators, you don't need daily contact with the girl you're interested in. It's okay to let the savor of your last encounter sink in for a couple days. I know too many guys who have scared away girls because they insist on daily dates, phone calls, (not-so-pleasant) surprises, etc. Give her room to breathe and think. Don't go overboard. Take it easy and be natural.

• Hug. It's okay. Save the handshake for Sunday. Don't be afraid to wrap those farmer's tanned arms around a girl when you say goodnight. For anyone needing to re-learn how to hug, Bryan will be giving classes at 2 pm on Thursdays. Don't be embarrassed, we all need help sometimes.

• NO COVENANT COMMITMENTS ON THE FIRST DATE. Period.

No more companion. Time to fly solo.

• Not every situation is an opportunity to find someone to date. ie: the 2nd floor of the library, a family reunion, and the testing center, to name a few. 

• Don't invite others (especially your roommates) to participate in a date unless it's a group date. 

• After the date, do not ask for referrals.  

• Street contacts are even less effective here than they were there. Unless it's Ryan Gosling, most girls don't like being asked out by a total stranger. (Don't try to argue girls. I've heard too many complaints and too many verses of "Don't Fear the Creeper" to believe that you actually like it. You know the difference between cute and creep is attractiveness, and frankly, most of us aren't attractive enough).

• Tracting= Unattracting. It doesn't work. You can make friends that way (friends can then become more than friends) but don't knock doors with the intent of finding The One. 

• Don't fill your day with as many dates as possible. There are a few terms to describe that kind of guy, and none of them are nice.

• Don't schedule an appointment in a planner. Ask for her number and put it in your phone, then call her some time when she's probably not very busy.

• You are not on a date to teach or promote a cause. You are there to get to know her. So ask some questions, build that relationship of trust, and have some fun! 

• Old habits are hard to break but try to avoid referring to yourself as "we," or your roommate as "my companion." And for heaven's sake, don't point to where your tag used to be when you tell someone your name.

 
• Stop expecting people to make you food. Women want a provider not a parasite ------------------>

• You can only set the date with one person. There can only be one "progressing investigator."

• Observe curfew, but you don't have to be home at 9:30. On the other hand, don't feel like a date has to go all night either! 

• Don't walk so fast. Your greenie hated it when you walked so fast and your date will too. Slow down and enjoy her company. Remember, the activity isn't important; she is. 

• Avoid falling into missionary jargon. "I know that I will be a very good husband to you, and that if you date me, and pray about it, you will too." Besides the fact that the Lord doesn't have to back up every promise you make, that approach also tends to scare people away.

If you have any other advice to offer these brethren, please feel free to post it below.